recovering from a walk yesterday. My right knee is starting to hurt more frequently. I'll schedule a massage tomorrow and hopefully that will help. Still eating clean. Still no candy for about 3 months maybe 4. Grateful for my friends and program and my higher power. no answer yet on the right from the Raiders in the writing group I'm in. Hope I'm not kicked out. Of course there could be worse things. hopefully I'll hear from someone tomorrow so I know whether I need to go to the library and print up a poem.I think I'll take trinity this time. Still need to put down on paper my spiderpoem it's there I can feel it but I haven't written it yet. Ok going to watch the local news now. More later.

100 Years of Solitude

Busy couple of weeks. Almost like I have a paying job! The anthology is being advertised. Posted on several sites and disseminated across the country. The donations are helping pay for that. My cycle was hard on my mood this past week. I veered more toward fast food than sweets. That's new for me. But I made a point midweek to eat more fish to boost my Omega 3s. It seems to be working I took myself for a walk in a park in Magnolia. And I bought healthy groceries. I didn't even want sweets. This staying off of candy appears to be working. I had a healthy dinner outside on the patio. And tomorrow I participate in a bilingual reading of 100 Years of Solitude. Then I get to have a healthy dinner and catch up with a good friend. Yes I'll be having the tomba tuna salad again. Do I have gills yet? It's expensive but incredibly healthy with the Omega 3s in the seared tuna and the healthy fat in the avocado. And all the amazing health benefits of the ginger, mango, tomato and more. Mmmm I'm making myself hungry! Well I actually must go. I'm trying to get to sleep at a decent hour, but of course I'm not tired. Still though I have to try.

Wow.

I've missed this blog hence my return. I've had a crummy weekend so far, but there is tomorrow. I lost my antidepressants so got into a funk. Trying to reconcile the life I was "supposed" to have with the amazing life I have. Fortunately I'm coming back to life. Interesting dreams I have had one type of natural disaster that left a mirror universe. One weird love story. And one small town murder mystery. Wonder what will happen tonight. The anthology is cruising along. Once I secure the name I'll post more about it.

Love this little guy!

Beautiful day Beautiful day Fire burn it all away burn it all away!

Wow! I have the best landlady. I left her a message about leaving my job and she called back leaving me a message that was full of care and concern. It what is an incredible day today. It started with lunch at Macarena with Joyce who treated me.What a great surprise an incredible conversation. I am so blessed with supportive funny intelligent friends. Not sure how I got so lucky to have such amazing people in my life. Thank you Higher Power. Please continue to bless me and guide me in my recovery.

Time icing my joints equals boredom. Bored. Bored. Bored.

My Higher Power and I are making life happen not letting life happen to us. Thank you HP!

Moving Forward

Wow. Life has been moving quickly and I am trusting my Higher Power to take care of me. The person who bullied me at work is coming back in will be in the same position and that means I am moving on voluntarily. I am sad it came to this but it just moved up the time line of my leaving. I feel strong and grateful and good about my decision. My only concern is the health insurance is so expensive come on Obama care. Last night was amazing. I had a healthy barbecue with music and spoken word and violinists a 10 year old violinist who was brilliant. There was a beautiful singer who also played guitar making her Seattle debut. Raul reading his poetry and yes I even read some poetry. The food was amazing. And yet healthy. Quinoa salad and this tomatoes squash soup and some incredible fruit salad it was it was all delicious.Imet a friend's husband and his eyes just seem so kind and open and accepting and is a reminder of the good men that are out there and that I deserve one of those. Maybe when I'm ready I don't think I'm ready yet but that I deserve a good man not what I had in the past. I think everyone had a good time and it was a fantastic mix of people from bicyclists, artists, gardener's, knitters, and all of them are just people that fill my heart and bring smiles to my face when I see them. I am so grateful for everything my Higher Power has given me and I'm trusting that as I move forward I am making the right decision. I will not think in lack. I will not get trapped in other people's fears. I will not be limited by others. When I let fear and other people's fears control me then I and not honoring my higher power. And life is too short to let that happen.

My allergies are frightening me. They haven't been this bad in years can't stop sneezing. And my eyes are watering.I've gone through 3 boxes of kleenex in 3 days. Ugh.

Threw out all the junk food. Great mtg tonight.So grateful. I have to use the tools.if I truly want recovery I have to detach and turn it all over. I have to humbly ask my HP to let me live and honor the vessel he gave me all of it. My mind needs challenges and beauty. My heart and soul need love peace and passion. My body needs strength affection and nourishment. Program first. Noone like that man from my past deserves my time. If he calls back I will tell him honestly that I do not care to communicate with him and not to call me. I deserve the other type that contacted me and may come and play guitar at the bbq. But he needs to let me know too that he is interested.I am worthy of that

Someone called me and asked me to be a sponsor. How cool is that. I don't think I have what she wants in one so no worries, nice to be asked. Another person called a man from my past. He started out kind and humorous, but ended being only able to talk about my weight being a problem. He also was unemployed and looked a gift horse in the mouth. Enough of unemployed or part-time men that can't take care of themselves - YUCK! He called me at work, and wanted to engage me in conversation saying he came across my name and that he didn't have my number. I told him that I had his number and would call him but not from work. I want to call him and remind him of why we quit talking. And tell him not to call me again. Although part of me doesn't want to call him at all and just act like he didn't call. Not sure what the OA thing to do about this is, because I had no intention of calling, but the honesty part of the program says be honest. "Hi...yes I remember you and your actions and words are judgemental and mean and that is why we stopped or at least I stopped talking to you." Not sure I owe him that.

Struggling tonight. Feeling lonely and I don't like it. I haven't been to my garden in 3 weeks 2 of those were recovering from my knee injury. Some gardners complained about the weeds. In the old days we used to ask about the gardener first and find out if their was a reason the plot was untended. It was much more community oriented then and we gathered socially and looked out for each other. Oh well times change.My mind keeps going to a FB post and I don't remember it exactly but something like Leave behind or walk away from that which doesn't benefit your life. When someone from the garden calls it is never kind or community based so time to let it go. And that feels incredibly sad

Pause

I took a long pause away from the blog. Then I spent the past week immobile with a muscle strain that had me wheeled into my doctor's office last Monday. I had to stay off my feet for most of the week. I had recently started walking again, and signed a team up for the Swedish Summer 5K that benefits the research of ovarian cancer. Today I cancelled the team. For whatever reason my HP was to pass. And I am finally ok with that. I go back to the doctor tomorrow. I am finally feeling in a good place. At last check I had lost some weight. I heard from a genuine kind man who is actually intelligent with creative hobbies outside of his career. And that is merely an impression from a 15 minute conversation from one meeting last summer. He FB messaged me apologizing for not replying to a show invite (I invited lots of folks) as he had not been on FB for over 6 months. We proceeded to message and fingers crossed he will be at my summer fun healthy bbq :) Bonus if he brings his guitar. And in the meantime my incredible friends brought me over a wheelie office chair so I could actually get to the bathroom last week, went grocery shopping for me, and just called and checked on me. What great family they are, yes my logical family. I talked briefly with my new boss today, she reminds me of the ocean, calm but with tremendous power. I like that. We'll see. I am focused on taking care of myself and am keeping that commitment to myself. No job is worth what I let it do to me previously. No man is worth it either. There are good men out there, intelligent, kind, healthy men and there is no reason in the world for me to not have one of those men in my life, instead of the posers in the past. I realize now I am not a poser, I am intelligent, kind, creative, and entitled to love, laughter, happiness and joy. Thank you HP, program, and all my friends and partners in recovery.

I am realizing so much is BIG in the world. And all that big happens in a small space. At times it is so menacing, daunting if you will. It almost stops my breath, and yet I keep stumbling along.

Another great day! If I can start getting my house in order it will be awesome! The food is good. The meetings are great. I have this little glow of happiness inside of me, and it feels good!

Been a while since I have checked in here. Loving OA. I learned shame is a human concept not a God concept. Learned or learning forgiving myself for staying in a violent/bullying work environment and letting my HP take care of the boss who allowed for it. Not liking carless situation, but grateful for Ger. She lets me borrow her car well some days 6 out of 7. Been able to save money, closing in on $3000. for a used car. But if I get through another year paying down my debt, may just take on a car loan. Feeling lonely tonight. Been reading a lot lately. Feels good. Was writing more about a month ago. Realizing my depression started creeping in close to November, and that is when the bullying started escalating. Awareness will help me get through. The OA outreach calls are helping me get through. My FB friends and cute and clever posts are helping me get through. I am grateful for all I have even for the feeling of loneliness!

Seems to be a movie summer - Chronicle, Avenger -love Sam Elliott, he is a man's man even as he ages still damn sexy, and Brave. What a great flick. Kudos for finally almost getting it right. At least the woman didn't need saving, well actually one of the women saved all the men, and one of the woman saved one of the other woman, now that you are confused, go see it - worth it!

Another good day. 3 more bags of food waste taken to the garage. 2 more bags of recycling taken to the bins. One more load of dishes done. And possibly unloaded very soon! Then filled up again. Then oh then I can mop! Yay! I was supposed to be saving money but after all that work needed a break so had half a turkey sub. Yay! I ordered the full thing, but am relatively full after the half oh and some onion rings. I will have cherries for my snack. This is kind of thrilling considering I had a salad for lunch and pretzals for a snack. Oh and pb & banana o wheat bread with oj for breakfast. What a great healthy day. AWESOME!!! And I have to cook the tilapia tonight before it goes bad, resting for about an hour then will cook up the tilapia. Yay!!! This is such a powerful day. I can feel my higher power surging through my veins and taking control again, or at least me not standing in the way for today!

So much done, so much to do. 3 bags recycling taken out, 1 bag food waste. 3 more bags recycling ready to be taken out, another bag food waste. Dishwasher emptied and reloaded. I need to buy garbage bags tomorrow for another garbage bag, probably not full, but maybe halfway. I still don't have counters, but I am a heck of a lot closer! Yay! I have my table again, and will be writing out my bills tomorrow. Wild! So much done. So much to do, but so much done! Even though a boring evening in, I have made a lot of progress.