Somewher along my miserable live I became productive this weekend. I made black bean chicken chili, peach cobbler, and Korean ribs. I have all the fixins for broccoli casserole and will have a taco night with grass fed beef and home made taco shells.

Of course I have to make it through tomorrow. Work is still a mess. Send Reike, prayers energy.

Someone whose life is as messed up as mine, medicated with alcohal and laughed. Not much alcohol after a half a rum and coke and a walk I was dizzy. Alcohol is one of the only thing that spikes my blood sugar so drank mostly vicariously through my friend. Poor thing I think we both are in the same boat, fucked up relationships and job suckage. Happy hour anyone?

Making myself go out tonight. Going out with a previous co-worker at 8pm to a low-key bar. Ugh.

The sun is shining and I stay in the basement. I hope to hide in the park tomorrow, maybe there won't be any sick weddings reminding me of my being alone again.

I feel sad and alone. Not certain why life is worth living. I also had an a-ha moment today. Wondering why when I told my mom I wanted to be a writer she asked my why I wanted to be poor and live in Grenich Village with a bunch of hippies/nobodies. Why couldn't she have actually encouraged me or listed writers that were successful? Why didn't she say it may be hard work, but if you commit to it you can do it? I live my life in shadows occassionally finding a sun spot. But my home is the shadows.

A dear friend sent me a large bouquet of flowers, white Gerbera daisies - gargantuan white Gerbera daisies and some yellow button flowers and yellow daises. Another friend is having a BBQ on Sunday I am making a blueberry pie, and picking up vanilla ice cream.

My friends are my life jackets buoying me along through stormy waters. Thank heavens for my friends. I actually had someone pray for me yesterday. It was really beautiful. She held my hands and said a prayer about protecting my heart. She is quite religious and a beautiful person and am lucky to know her. I am so lucky to have Christian friends that really are non judgemental because I grew up around the judgemental religious type.

Anyway it was a really beautiful moment. I need to focus on those instead of the wretched ones. The wretched ones are smoothing out.

Again I can't let him go even though it may or may not be in my best interst. I know he makes me whole and even if he is only a friend I don't think I can let that go.

It hurts to have him in my life and it kills at the thought of not having him in my life. I am so fucked up.