I feel sad and alone. Not certain why life is worth living. I also had an a-ha moment today. Wondering why when I told my mom I wanted to be a writer she asked my why I wanted to be poor and live in Grenich Village with a bunch of hippies/nobodies. Why couldn't she have actually encouraged me or listed writers that were successful? Why didn't she say it may be hard work, but if you commit to it you can do it? I live my life in shadows occassionally finding a sun spot. But my home is the shadows.

A dear friend sent me a large bouquet of flowers, white Gerbera daisies - gargantuan white Gerbera daisies and some yellow button flowers and yellow daises. Another friend is having a BBQ on Sunday I am making a blueberry pie, and picking up vanilla ice cream.

My friends are my life jackets buoying me along through stormy waters. Thank heavens for my friends. I actually had someone pray for me yesterday. It was really beautiful. She held my hands and said a prayer about protecting my heart. She is quite religious and a beautiful person and am lucky to know her. I am so lucky to have Christian friends that really are non judgemental because I grew up around the judgemental religious type.

Anyway it was a really beautiful moment. I need to focus on those instead of the wretched ones. The wretched ones are smoothing out.

Again I can't let him go even though it may or may not be in my best interst. I know he makes me whole and even if he is only a friend I don't think I can let that go.

It hurts to have him in my life and it kills at the thought of not having him in my life. I am so fucked up.

Aaron emailed me tonight that I am one of the great ones, I emailed him back explaining to him since he dumped me and is out kissing on a skanky woman who he found on basically a sleeparound site that he didn't get to say that and that it is fucked up.

Go have your midlife crisis somewhere else cuz I don't want it around me!

Feeling sad tonight. Although I went to a poetry reading and Margaret had a killer poem, brilliant line about 27 bones in the hand.

Now sad. Feels done done with Aaron. Like I wrote I saw who he was kissing and yuck and considering the site he met her on double yuck. Triple yuck. Yuck to infinity. And yup I was with him for just under a year and a half. He says he is a Taurus, but I think he is a Gemini, definately two different people in him it seems to me....

I feel so much better now... I saw a picture of what A is hooking up with now and I can literally hear 4 of my closest friends in their wonderful judgemental tones "skank." He is definately not touching me since he has had his hands on that. Yuck!

I will be strong again one day. I am done with relationships I just don't have it in me to believe that there are any good men out there, clearly I thought that and look what happened.

I will be strong again, lonely but strong.

I feel so naive so stupid and so used.

Such a mental wreck right now....

I think the Lexapro is working, feeling a bit safer and less alone. Not so significant that Aaron broke up with me and broke my heart, more just numb now. Numb is good.