My allergies are frightening me. They haven't been this bad in years can't stop sneezing. And my eyes are watering.I've gone through 3 boxes of kleenex in 3 days. Ugh.

Threw out all the junk food. Great mtg tonight.So grateful. I have to use the tools.if I truly want recovery I have to detach and turn it all over. I have to humbly ask my HP to let me live and honor the vessel he gave me all of it. My mind needs challenges and beauty. My heart and soul need love peace and passion. My body needs strength affection and nourishment. Program first. Noone like that man from my past deserves my time. If he calls back I will tell him honestly that I do not care to communicate with him and not to call me. I deserve the other type that contacted me and may come and play guitar at the bbq. But he needs to let me know too that he is interested.I am worthy of that

Someone called me and asked me to be a sponsor. How cool is that. I don't think I have what she wants in one so no worries, nice to be asked. Another person called a man from my past. He started out kind and humorous, but ended being only able to talk about my weight being a problem. He also was unemployed and looked a gift horse in the mouth. Enough of unemployed or part-time men that can't take care of themselves - YUCK! He called me at work, and wanted to engage me in conversation saying he came across my name and that he didn't have my number. I told him that I had his number and would call him but not from work. I want to call him and remind him of why we quit talking. And tell him not to call me again. Although part of me doesn't want to call him at all and just act like he didn't call. Not sure what the OA thing to do about this is, because I had no intention of calling, but the honesty part of the program says be honest. "Hi...yes I remember you and your actions and words are judgemental and mean and that is why we stopped or at least I stopped talking to you." Not sure I owe him that.

Struggling tonight. Feeling lonely and I don't like it. I haven't been to my garden in 3 weeks 2 of those were recovering from my knee injury. Some gardners complained about the weeds. In the old days we used to ask about the gardener first and find out if their was a reason the plot was untended. It was much more community oriented then and we gathered socially and looked out for each other. Oh well times change.My mind keeps going to a FB post and I don't remember it exactly but something like Leave behind or walk away from that which doesn't benefit your life. When someone from the garden calls it is never kind or community based so time to let it go. And that feels incredibly sad

Pause

I took a long pause away from the blog. Then I spent the past week immobile with a muscle strain that had me wheeled into my doctor's office last Monday. I had to stay off my feet for most of the week. I had recently started walking again, and signed a team up for the Swedish Summer 5K that benefits the research of ovarian cancer. Today I cancelled the team. For whatever reason my HP was to pass. And I am finally ok with that. I go back to the doctor tomorrow. I am finally feeling in a good place. At last check I had lost some weight. I heard from a genuine kind man who is actually intelligent with creative hobbies outside of his career. And that is merely an impression from a 15 minute conversation from one meeting last summer. He FB messaged me apologizing for not replying to a show invite (I invited lots of folks) as he had not been on FB for over 6 months. We proceeded to message and fingers crossed he will be at my summer fun healthy bbq :) Bonus if he brings his guitar. And in the meantime my incredible friends brought me over a wheelie office chair so I could actually get to the bathroom last week, went grocery shopping for me, and just called and checked on me. What great family they are, yes my logical family. I talked briefly with my new boss today, she reminds me of the ocean, calm but with tremendous power. I like that. We'll see. I am focused on taking care of myself and am keeping that commitment to myself. No job is worth what I let it do to me previously. No man is worth it either. There are good men out there, intelligent, kind, healthy men and there is no reason in the world for me to not have one of those men in my life, instead of the posers in the past. I realize now I am not a poser, I am intelligent, kind, creative, and entitled to love, laughter, happiness and joy. Thank you HP, program, and all my friends and partners in recovery.