I think Aaron and I will just have to be garden friends. I tried to go out with him to the garden and then dinner and all I could think was he sees me as ugly. I know he wants to be friends and honestly I don't know if I can do it. So for now I will limit it to the garden. Like I said my parents weren't bad people loved me but never saw me as beautiful and I think that is his deal. Still completely unacceptable that he never told me at the front end of the relationship. Had he I would never have gone out with him. I wish I could get the time back and yes if I could take it all back and have my life back without ever having dated him I would.

And yes I am sick of myself wanting to talk to him about politics and life and not wanting him near me. Ugh!

And what is really wild it took him a year and a half to figure out he would rather be out playing with an ethnic barbie than me...please. What an ass.

Pruning and weeding.

Yesterday all the rain brought the black spot on my yellow roses so felt good to trim that away. I even bagged it up for the yardwaste so it wouldn't spread into my soul. (yes this is a typo, but it is appropro so am keeping it!)

Today I pruned the purple rose and found a ton of weeds around it. And was granted with a hidden surprise of another squash. Gave it to Gary he was meeting me for coffee. We had a great talk about energy and infrastructure. He is such a smarty pants and so cool. Glad he is my friend. Then I went back to the garden and started trimming down the raspberries. They get so big. They were attacking the apple tree and hiding some major weeds. Got one giant weed pulled out and bagged those up - to woody for the compost. Feels so good to be cutting things back pulling out weeds, clearing.

It all makes sends a dear sweet friend suggested therapy and if I can find a good one I will take the suggestion. I realized Aaron is just a throwback to my parents, loved me but never thought I was beautiful and what is really amazing is I am and I believe I am. That is why I wish he had told me at the front of the relationship because I am beautiful and I know it and tough shit that he can't see it!

Zoe Leonard says it all for me. Thanks Angela for sharing this brilliant woman's work.

I keep eating but the pain doesn't stop. It made me sick last night....