I think Aaron and I will just have to be garden friends. I tried to go out with him to the garden and then dinner and all I could think was he sees me as ugly. I know he wants to be friends and honestly I don't know if I can do it. So for now I will limit it to the garden. Like I said my parents weren't bad people loved me but never saw me as beautiful and I think that is his deal. Still completely unacceptable that he never told me at the front end of the relationship. Had he I would never have gone out with him. I wish I could get the time back and yes if I could take it all back and have my life back without ever having dated him I would.

And yes I am sick of myself wanting to talk to him about politics and life and not wanting him near me. Ugh!

And what is really wild it took him a year and a half to figure out he would rather be out playing with an ethnic barbie than me...please. What an ass.

Pruning and weeding.

Yesterday all the rain brought the black spot on my yellow roses so felt good to trim that away. I even bagged it up for the yardwaste so it wouldn't spread into my soul. (yes this is a typo, but it is appropro so am keeping it!)

Today I pruned the purple rose and found a ton of weeds around it. And was granted with a hidden surprise of another squash. Gave it to Gary he was meeting me for coffee. We had a great talk about energy and infrastructure. He is such a smarty pants and so cool. Glad he is my friend. Then I went back to the garden and started trimming down the raspberries. They get so big. They were attacking the apple tree and hiding some major weeds. Got one giant weed pulled out and bagged those up - to woody for the compost. Feels so good to be cutting things back pulling out weeds, clearing.

It all makes sends a dear sweet friend suggested therapy and if I can find a good one I will take the suggestion. I realized Aaron is just a throwback to my parents, loved me but never thought I was beautiful and what is really amazing is I am and I believe I am. That is why I wish he had told me at the front of the relationship because I am beautiful and I know it and tough shit that he can't see it!

Zoe Leonard says it all for me. Thanks Angela for sharing this brilliant woman's work.

I keep eating but the pain doesn't stop. It made me sick last night....

I did have something good happen this week, a student who graduated about 4 years ago brought me a dozen red roses, just cuz she missed me....

The sadness has set in...Aaron's lie to me, I don't know why he lied he said he didn't want to hurt my feelings, then why did he tell me now. So it was all a lie. A year and a half wasted. I wish I had never met him. Now I am lonely scared and feel completely ugly.

hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehateshatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate
hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehateshatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate
hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehateshatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate
hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehateshatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate
hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehateshatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate

In this moment I hate men that lie. I know women lie, but I don't date them.

Sad. Lonely. But I will be ok. I kind of like the quiet. I have to remember it is ok to be alone no matter what the holiday commercials say! I have a great weekend, a long lost friend that I can practice Spanish with Sat morning. Actually she is so busy with her two medically fragile kids, husband and family in Chiapas we just hardly ever see each other. Then possibly a play in the afternoon the a drinking party with Atia. Yay!!Sun, I think Guy and I are hanging out in the afternoon and Shannon and I might get together in the am. She is busy super presenter at major conference all day Saturday so will have to wait and see if she has any energy Sun morning. No weekend for Aaron, only the people in my life who find me beautiful inside and out. Yay me!

It feels good having this chapter of my life closed I can get back to that healthy life I had. Aaron swears he told me he was never physically attracted to me. As if I would spend a year in a half with a man who thought I was ugly. Please. I may have self esteem issues but they aren't that fucked up!

So Aaron told me last night he was never attracted to me physically. So I wasted a year and a half of my life trying to make a relationship work with someone who wasn't into me who was to afraid to hurt my feelings...please. If I had known that upfront I would honestly be about 70 pounds lighter healthier and enjoying my life. A good friend said "it doesn't matter if it is intentional or not his presence in my life leads to me being hurt." True true. Another friend said, "look at my life and my friends and his and how he doesn't have any" and another friend basically said "What a dick!" And these are 3 very intelligent, educated, successful in family/home/work.

So yup I wasted a year and a half with someone who wanted an ethnic Barbie. I found a shallow man cloaked in museums and poetry. Time to get my life back and go back to having a life that brings me joy alone without men because they only bring me pain....

Somewher along my miserable live I became productive this weekend. I made black bean chicken chili, peach cobbler, and Korean ribs. I have all the fixins for broccoli casserole and will have a taco night with grass fed beef and home made taco shells.

Of course I have to make it through tomorrow. Work is still a mess. Send Reike, prayers energy.

Someone whose life is as messed up as mine, medicated with alcohal and laughed. Not much alcohol after a half a rum and coke and a walk I was dizzy. Alcohol is one of the only thing that spikes my blood sugar so drank mostly vicariously through my friend. Poor thing I think we both are in the same boat, fucked up relationships and job suckage. Happy hour anyone?

Making myself go out tonight. Going out with a previous co-worker at 8pm to a low-key bar. Ugh.

The sun is shining and I stay in the basement. I hope to hide in the park tomorrow, maybe there won't be any sick weddings reminding me of my being alone again.