I am realizing so much is BIG in the world. And all that big happens in a small space. At times it is so menacing, daunting if you will. It almost stops my breath, and yet I keep stumbling along.

Another great day! If I can start getting my house in order it will be awesome! The food is good. The meetings are great. I have this little glow of happiness inside of me, and it feels good!

Been a while since I have checked in here. Loving OA. I learned shame is a human concept not a God concept. Learned or learning forgiving myself for staying in a violent/bullying work environment and letting my HP take care of the boss who allowed for it. Not liking carless situation, but grateful for Ger. She lets me borrow her car well some days 6 out of 7. Been able to save money, closing in on $3000. for a used car. But if I get through another year paying down my debt, may just take on a car loan. Feeling lonely tonight. Been reading a lot lately. Feels good. Was writing more about a month ago. Realizing my depression started creeping in close to November, and that is when the bullying started escalating. Awareness will help me get through. The OA outreach calls are helping me get through. My FB friends and cute and clever posts are helping me get through. I am grateful for all I have even for the feeling of loneliness!

Seems to be a movie summer - Chronicle, Avenger -love Sam Elliott, he is a man's man even as he ages still damn sexy, and Brave. What a great flick. Kudos for finally almost getting it right. At least the woman didn't need saving, well actually one of the women saved all the men, and one of the woman saved one of the other woman, now that you are confused, go see it - worth it!

Another good day. 3 more bags of food waste taken to the garage. 2 more bags of recycling taken to the bins. One more load of dishes done. And possibly unloaded very soon! Then filled up again. Then oh then I can mop! Yay! I was supposed to be saving money but after all that work needed a break so had half a turkey sub. Yay! I ordered the full thing, but am relatively full after the half oh and some onion rings. I will have cherries for my snack. This is kind of thrilling considering I had a salad for lunch and pretzals for a snack. Oh and pb & banana o wheat bread with oj for breakfast. What a great healthy day. AWESOME!!! And I have to cook the tilapia tonight before it goes bad, resting for about an hour then will cook up the tilapia. Yay!!! This is such a powerful day. I can feel my higher power surging through my veins and taking control again, or at least me not standing in the way for today!

So much done, so much to do. 3 bags recycling taken out, 1 bag food waste. 3 more bags recycling ready to be taken out, another bag food waste. Dishwasher emptied and reloaded. I need to buy garbage bags tomorrow for another garbage bag, probably not full, but maybe halfway. I still don't have counters, but I am a heck of a lot closer! Yay! I have my table again, and will be writing out my bills tomorrow. Wild! So much done. So much to do, but so much done! Even though a boring evening in, I have made a lot of progress.

It has been a long timesince I posted. I feel great. I messed up my feet, but other than that I love OA. Funny, well not really I have actually gained weight since joining. However, I just found out that my thyroid dropped extremely low. So unfortunately, now I have more weight to loose, but what a support system. These people are like me, they eat their feelings, they are learning balance everyday. So many success stories. My sponsor is amazing. Even in the midst of a break up, a move (resulting from the break up)and death of a childhood friend she is still abstinent. I failed on all accounts of those. Ok, maybe moving, but breaking up and death zing, add 50 pounds... Let alone the incredibly horrifying work trauma I experienced last school year. Thanks JB for causing me to have PTSD - yup according to the EAP counselor since the terror I suffered was so long I ended up with PTSD. Well my sponsor had a hostile work environment previously and guess what she stayed abstinent and got a better job. How can I miss with these people, with this philosophy of balance, with bringing back my higher power into my life. How can I fail? I can't. Today I called a local church to find out about using their facility for a Wed night meeting. I hope they call back soon. I need something in the middle of the week and getting to the UDistrict isn't really working for me. There were a couple girls meeting to read, but one is so controlling I have no desire to participate in that. Also I love the format of the Friday night meeting, but we are losing that space and they are looking at a first hill option. That definately won't work for me. So fingers crossed on the Wednesday night meeting in QA. Serenity Now - as the character Kramer said, or God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. As anyone in OA would say!

I went without sugar today! Yay!!!!! I am pretty sure I have a sponsor! Yay!!! My sinus infection is almost over! Yay!!!

Wonderfilled day today. 1st Accupuncture from one of the Urban Dealight deals. Then on the way home it was lunchtime and I had not eaten even breakfast so stopped at Chilitos. I had heard about it because a former student and his dad opened the place. The carne assada not so good, but the chicken mole was phenomenal. Then realized not enough time to go to Good Will and of course couldn't lift the monitor that Aaron promised me he would help me move, but he always had more important stuff and even when I told him how important it was to me to get rid of it he poo pooed it away, he was soooooo selfish.

Really glad Guy will help me with that. Anyway groceries lots of fruits and snacks and lunch fixins for work next week and this weekend. Then went to return the car and it was a downpour so I decided to get a manicure and pedicure. The salon was really not friendly and I won't go back there, but I was proud of myself because 2 nails looked bumpy and so I spoke up and they were redone. My toe color looks great, I wish I had been brave enough to get it on my fingers too! Then started to walk home and stopped at Four Winds and had a delightful conversation with the clerk there and he and his wife are starting a meditation group. It sounds perfect for the space I am moving toward. Then walked home. Oh my legs are tired.

Lots of walking today, walked in a rush to the car, timed it all wrong, but was thrilled as I was only 10 minutes late this morning for my appt.And I had called and left a message that I would be about 10 minutes late so it worked perfect.

Tomorrow after OA I am walking to Jen's. I can't wait to see that cute little boy! He is getting so big. Almost one now. Geez.

Chinese for dinner tonight. Have alot of leftovers for the weekend. That is also unusual and hoping it becomes usual. Just like I stopped eating the carne asada when I realized I didn't like it. The rice and beans were mediocre but good with the avocado and tomato. Didn't take the leftovers from that meal home.

Now comfortably at home, have to plan to get to the meeting on the bus tomorrow. It was late really late the first time I took the bus there so have to plan to get there earlier. A farther walk than I thought to so need to add extra time for that.

Walking, eating better, possibly meditation, who knows maybe I will start writing in my journal again!

I went for a walk today and it was beautiful. I have been trying to talk myself into going for a walk for a while. I mean I used to walk 4 miles 3 -5 times a week. Well this walk was probably half a mile round trip and that is ok. It is a start. It had no destination and was just to walk and along the way I celebrated beauty. Beauty in moss and dogs and the intertwining of leashes, the water, boats, and sky. This morning I asked to let go of my control of my desire to walk and look what happened. Thank you God/Universe/Holy Spirit/Mom & Dad/all you Saints and
Angels!

I couldn't figure out why I was craving chocolate tonight. I have really been hittin the carbs hard so I need to focus on curbing them. Not eliminating all together but curbing. Then that will lower the cravings. I have a good plan for breakfast lunch and dinner tomorrow so hopefully it will work. Universe, God, Higher Power, I am releasing it all to you, guide me in food choices tomorrow.

A really good meeting yesterday. I have counters and am cooking today! I have however been indulging in cookies. Big ah ha moment I eat because I don't like being alone. I have to get comfortable being along again.

I was once before and I will find that grace again.

It took a long time, but I finally have some energy back, the Christmas boxes are in storage. My good will pile is growing. And I have finally put away most of everything in the bags by the door. My table is still covered, but I seriously have made progress. Still no clean counters in my kitchen so will have to stop and buy some frozen meals tomorrow. Slowly but surely coming back to life.

I went to my first OA meeting yesterday. It was very interesting and very helpful. Just acknowledging the fact that I see food differently from a lot of my friends. But apparently so do a lot of people.

Food wise I wasn't prepared for Saturday, the bus was extremely late so didn't eat until about 1:30pm and yup ate a lot that was not the best. Today was better not great, but getting there.

Have clothes in the laundry and hope to have enough energy to make cupcakes for the kids.

Well hoping my chicken sandwich gets here soon - see kitchen counter is still covered - cuz I am getting hungry!

Finally better. Exhausted today though, didn't do a thing, literally. I spent yesterday taking a friend out whose dad passed over the holidays. Came home exhausted from that and just got out of bed a few hours ago. Have to get my clothes and lunch ready for tomorrow though before I go back to bed.

Walked a lot on Saturday so don't feel bad about not walking today. Need to shower still tonight so I don't have to get up early and shower.

Ordered Chinese for dinner. Have about 4 meals out of the order so that is a good deal.

Found out my Aunt Jean passed away, she was a really nice lady. I remember her most from a picture my mom had, she had a really pretty smile and sparkling eyes.

Talked to a brother today because a mutual friend is gay and asked me to let it slip to some people we have in common, and I am so glad I am not in Michigan anymore. Ignorant people. My brother said he doesn't condone it but isn't going to run him over or anything like that. What a creep. This is the same brother that physically threatened me so guess I shouldn't be too suprised. Just so glad I am away from all of them. Ugh.

Let go

Last year's theme was Just keep Swimmin - thanks Dori!

This year's is Let Go..Let go of it all, the expectations, the plans, the fear, simply Let Go.

I head back to work tomorrow: I have a new plan to help let go, I have a magnetic pad on the frig and have printed everything I need to take for the day (what hasn't already been packed). I have dinner already planned for tomorrow and what to make for dinner for the next night.

See it is simple I just need to get back to simplicity and luxury. I decided to embrace some 500thread count sheets and pay more than I ever have for said sheet, but it is on sale, and I have a $20off coupon. So maybe smart luxury is the key!

Anyway wish me luck already thinking on Friday, may make dinner plans to save me from having to plan ahead for it and I think I will want a break then.

Happy 2012 everyone!