Dual Survival

Ok, I love that Dual Survival is doing a show in the Olympics. They just cut away on one of the guides going down a mossy tree trunk into a river, not exactly the plan. Too funny. I have been in the Olympics, and I am not a "camping" type of girl, there is always another way around. Oh well it looks good for the camera.

Maybe that is what my niece should do. Get a reality show, we all know that reality shows aren't actual so should be perfect for her. I mean come on quit the law firm because they are unethical, move out and marry some guy she knew for a month online. I wonder what happened to the house she bought. I hope my brother didn't co-sign for that house. Bad enough he probably is paying her loans. A different brother said she is going to join the FBI - I wonder if they know that! Especially with our family history and activities don't quite see that one working out. Well now that she and her hubby are back from Costa Rica I am sure she can start having puppies and use that as an excuse not to work. It is too bad she needs an excuse, but I guess after picking a private law school to find your Mrs. degree you don't have to worry about school loans etc. And grandbabies would sure make my mom happy in heaven. I am going to assume she still goes to church regularly so will never get divorced. Could get scary considering she didn't even know the guy for a year before marrying.

What we women learned from our elders, (or didn't learn) thank God I am single. Geez!

Good weekend. I went to Skylark with the A.P., then one of the teachers headed to Ballard gave me a ride home. Saturday was kind of a wash, but made myself go out with Ger to a movie, Moneyball, truly enjoyable. And definately better than Sat night TV. Then went to Laredos for a bite to eat. The food is ok, not great but I like the atmosphere. Today walked down the hill then I caught the bus to Ballard and dropped off soup for Jen and Darin. Then came back and bought what I needed for a pecan pie for Jamale for turkey day.

Also making plans to meet up with people at Burlesque Show on Friday night. Should be lots of fun.

Making myself go out to a gallery open tonight. It is in the neighborhood so I should be ok. Don't know why I have become a shut in again, but trying to break out of it.

I just saw a student who I haven't seen in almost a decade. She was going to stay with me while she went to community college, but couldn't break away from her friends. She is an absolute sweetheart and doing so well it was a great moment and my heart is full now.

I walked to Safeway today, picked up my prescription and groceries. My knee wigged a little at first so I just stopped alot and took my time. The groceries were too heavy to carry all the way home so I took the bus and ended up only carrying just under half a mile. Absolutely beautiful so I ended up stopping at the park and eating half of a sandwich I bought, then walked the rest of the way and ate the other half on the deck.

Also did 3 loads of laundry this weekend. Productive Sunday. Need to get better on my Saturdays, but Sundays are kickin!

I need a gameplan for Saturdays I seem to get in a funk on Saturdays. So far doing a bit better than last Saturday. Hoping I can still get something done today.

I started taking my Lexapro again. Third day straight. And I restarted my thyroid medicine. I have one load of dishes done. I ate a relatively healthy dinner. I had at least one fruit and vegetable today, which trust me is better than most days. And no I don't count french fries as vegetables.

Oh and I started my belly dancing dvd again. Just a little but it was a start. I just want to feel healthy again and yes sexy again.

And if I do date again and that seems like a pretty weighty if - pun intended - the man will have financial goals and be honest. He will also have a set work out schedule like I will have again. He will know that what is important in life and if we are pigging out with a friend going through a rough patch we won't worry or talk about the calories.

I had that life once or twice in my past, and I will again. I am on my way.

My house is a little cleaner, I have a clean vaccuumed floor, hence the ability to bellydance, and tomorrow I will do a little more. Maybe this weekend will be the weekend I make it to the gym to swim.

I have to remember sugar thins the blood vessel walls ultimately raising blood pressure. I have to kick the sugar habit again. I can do it. I can!

Another weekend, and my house is past unclean it looks like one of those camera shots on the news where they find underweight children or something. Ugh. I have to do something. I just seem to have no energy. I have forgot to take my sythroid for a few days so it could be an energy thing partially.

Hopefully I can at least get the dishwasher loaded.

sometimes life is hard and it really isn't supposed to be....

But on a good part I saw Hudson today - he is so incredibly cute! I can't wait to have time to play with him, what a joy! Cutest baby in the world!

Took today off from work. Celebrated a friends birthday on the Queen of Seattle. Quite amusing. She seemed to enjoy it and that is what matters. She is a great person.

I looked at W's pictures today..I miss him. Horribly. I miss him horribly. He was angry at me because I did not express concern for him. Of course I hadn't heard from him in a couple months so figured he dropped me so yeah how could I express concern for him.

Especially since I told him he needed to find a way to communicate with me when he was out of town.

I haven't heard from him since.

Sad really, he made so many promises. I miss the thought of everything he promised about us being together.

Oh well. Tired of putting my heart out there to have it all bruised and sliced. No more of that for me. Just sadness until I find that good comfort spot of aloneness. I had it once. I will find it again, it just make take awhile.

I feel defeated today. Don't know why all the reasons for good and going seem to be gone....

Pretty good weekend, and now I have to go be miserable for a stretch back to the grind..it makes me so depressed I don't have any energy until Sunday. I spend Saturday recovering.

Life is miserable, I am extremely sad.

The new boss has not worked for an organization this size and it shows...ugh... totally unrealistic. Oh well I will put his desires back to him and tell him to make a plan for next time!

Exhausted working and sick, possibly a sinus infection. Sweating right now perhaps a fever is breaking or I am just hot....

I have made so much progress yet feel so miserable and sad today. It isn't the 911 thing either. It is I don't know realizing I fell back into psyching myself out so much that I am afraid to get stgarted. And there is so much to do.

WOW!! Chedder bacon apple biscuits made. Dutch apple pancake made. Tomato soup made. Fried tofu, green bean thing made.

Week's wardrobe ready.

Wild....I was quite a laborer this weekend.

Knee feeling better, not all better, but a lot better.

4 more postcards done, but I think I sent a couple people two..oops.

Only 9 more to go.

And am up to day 9 on the WISH program...which is on day 16, but I am closing in!

Oh, I feel good.

A bit horny still, but good.

Been cleaning out my email. Getting rid of the emails from my non-fraud ex, aka the cheating and crazy ex. It feels good to be rid of him.

It is sad that I loved myself so little to settle for that type of man in my life. And hadn't learned enough to fall for a fraud.

Time to move on, getting back to my center. Finding my worth and not letting people like that in my life anymore. Time to let go of fear and leap.

Fortunes
I need to write a poem
for someone far away
male/female
straight/gay
wannabe/neverwas
hero or ghost
Do you still dream,
of merry-go-round horses
and pink cotton candy?
Or windy bluffs
so green and misty
the fisherman's sweater
is a necessity
not a fashion statement?
Tell me of you.
tell me grandiose lies
and help me dream.
Marta Sanchez

Man I have to find balance without my car. I was wiped out today and only went to the market and grabbed dinner. I realized I was gone from 7am to 9:30pm yesterday, and I am such a homebody that I like spending some time at home.

I can't think of anything that fills my heart with such joy ss people who are happy to see me. I think after suffering verbal abuse and physcial threats for a year that were allowed for by my boss only intensified this feeling.

As I reconnect with my poetry family I feel so blessed. Donna and I caught up over for me mediocre fish and chips and her a good salmon burger. Then caught some fantastic poets and fiction writers at the Couth Buzzard book store.

It was a full day leaving work heading straight to Greenwood to make it there in time. Passing time in the decadent Chocolati coffee shop then having a mojito with my dinner. I am sure my sugar is off the charts tonight. But it felt good to not think about it tonight. To just enjoy my refound friend, to share in the joy of words and oh the band. Brilliant, names like Stanislaw and Xena singing Iranian and Romanian tunes, at times absolutely ethereal and other times very fun. Oh the band's name is Tribute to Matt Caspi.

My abuser is gone. The boss who allowed her behavior is leaving. My energy is returning, my house is cleaner, weight is coming off me, I am writing again, and for all the injuries I had, my stride was more open tonight and my legs felt strong.

What a day. What a night. What a life.

Interesting day today. I went to a Japanese version of a dollar store. All items were $1.50 unless otherwise marked. So much stuff. Japanese store filled with stuff made in China.

Having trouble getting out of bed these days. Enjoy myself when I do. Sat on the patio yesterday sipping leftover sangria, it was very nice. Too rainy today to do that. Going to heat a leftover hotdog and some tater tots and make some kale chips. (have to have something green!)

The garden is looking great. Picked kale, chard, oregano, and onions. Gary gave me some romaine so I was able to give some to Phyllis. I love being able to share. Met Ger at La Reve, what a fantastic conversation. People are starting to rsvp for Saturday so that is coming together and did a small amount of cleaning to help out with next weekend. It should be a lot of fun, I can't wait!

My walking is improving. I walked to the library on Saturday. Then called Gary and he and Gail were at La Reve. I arrived when they were closed but they were on the patio, and Sharon came out. She ended up giving me an iced coffee and a pastry for free. She is so sweet, I tried to pay her and she told me it was a gift that I looked so comfortable out there and I was.

After I went to the garden then Met Market then took the bus home.

It really was a wonderul day yesterday.

Pretty good weekend.

I went to dinner with a good friend on Friday night. Just Malena's Tacos but good conversation and yes some of my favorite food.

Then Saturday Jamale picked me up and we went to the QA sidewalk sale. She is so amazing. She has lupus and is now on the list for a new kidney. She has spent most of last fall and this year in and out of the hospital, and has finally been out for several consecutive weeks.

I had the sniffles when I saw her but thought it was food related. But then Sunday I had a full blown runny nose. I hope I didn't compromise her immune system.

I stayed home from work today, slept most of yesterday and today, but the sniffles are gone so that is good.

The fraud has contacted me, still in need of money trying to make me feel bad for not coming up with money for him.

You know my life works so well when I don't date. Too bad I enjoy the physical comfort part so much....I miss it bad....

still blue...very blue...ugh..work tomorrow...yuck.

The movie, Midnight in Paris has to be one of my all time favorite movies.

I am feeling blue tonight. It is the anniversary of my mom's death so I guess it is to be expected. Not looking forward to returning to work tomorrow, but have to pay the bills.

Ugh. I want a vacation a real one where I don't think about money and play and eat out and have great sex. I want a wonderful get the fuck out of this country vacation.

What a wonderful lazy morning, just heading to the shower ...can't believe have the day is gone....what a great way to spend a day. ahhhh. shower dress get ready for a movie...and I just found out about a huge parade Tuesday! I have Tuesday off, yea!!!

Winner of a brownie recipe, comes with a chocolate ganache - yummy!

Returned the cell phone car charger. Seemed like a silly purchase since I decided not to replace my car yet!

Great BBQ and beautiful babies.

Peaceful, content night at home!

Found a great brownie recipe!
Trying it out soon.

My mind is swimming with things to do. And I have to make sure I don't overdue it so I don't wreck my knee again and can enjoy the BBQ. I made it easy and started with laundy so at least I have to stay home for a bit, maybe due a bday gift run once the clothes are in the dryer, but for now I can relax!

I never thought not having a car could be so peaceful.

I am the grit of the city
the rain stream staining
the skyscraper

I am the footsteps
at the bus stop
and the crunched coffee cup

I am the little dog
with a pony tail atop
my head that everyone pets

I am the askew sprinkler
soaking the pedestrians
as they pass

I am the wave's crest
I am the snow topped peak

I am blood
...breath

and pass through you
every single day.

Marta Sanchez

My ex, A emailed me asking for my mechanic's name. I guess his new sugar mama is having car problems, cuz I know he can't afford a car. Poor woman he told me he wasn't attracted to her, because she was too big for him, but he was having fun...cuz I am guessing she takes him out places he couldn't afford to go. What a selfish, narcissistic user.

My knee was doing better, but I pushed it too much yesterday. Even the ibuprofen only brought the pain down to a throbbing pain. Today it just hurts and I don't wince in pain at every move. I just want to be pain free, how do people with chronic pain do it?

My theme song is ...to the tune of La Vida Loca, Living on Ibuprofen, ugh.

"This is what you shall do; Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body."
— Walt Whitman

I want ice cream!!!

I just feel sad today. Worn down and beaten. Going out to dinner with a friend maybe that will lift my spirits.

Watching The Object of My Affection it seems to be about settling so a person doesn't end up alone....sometimes I wish I learned that in my 20s.

Laundry done, kitchen a lot cleaner, living room a lot cleaner, walked to dinner, walked home, exhaused....

summer= oj, strawberries, bananas, raspberries, ice, blend!

I feel good. Still some issues with my knees, but dang I have a great place to live. I have the laundry in and have started cleaning. I feel fresh and new, almost shiny. That is a good feeling for this increasingly gray haired lady!

I miss the fraud, he made me feel loved like no one ever has. He said absolutely everything right. It is as if he knew Aaron consistently walked ahead of me obviously to me wanting him at my side. He told me he would always be at my side making sure no one ever questioned that we were a couple. He had my heart and now I am alone. I have been alone. I have been in a couple and been alone. I still don't know which is worse. This is only when alone equals lonely. There have been times in my past when alone doesn't equal lonely and I hope I find that space again. Just has been a rough week that's all. I will make it though.

Wild berry and meditterean mint the best gelato combo ever.Wish I had some or a car to go buy some : (

knee explosion
calf restricted
walking without pain
a luxury I miss
my body is strong
my body is strong
my body is strong

Piece meal
engine
Running on less than a quarter
of it's cylinders
paying 1100 here
500 credit
and owing 300
next month
piecing it together
one dollar at a time

The car I believe is in serious trouble. Having it towed to my mechanics in the morning...Ugh ugh ugh!

exhausted
exhausted
phooooooo
blowhole
whole
wool
blankets
bed

I'm thinking about joining a choir. Not sure I am up for the obligation maybe closer to fall. I just know singing makes me happy.

Another great day.
So last night Aaron or at some point Aaron emailed me calling me evil and such and telling me he was sorry I wasn't over him. What a riot! I certainly corrected that line of thinking. Just because I called him on his shit. Too funny. So then I became one of his persecutors, in spite of the fact that I wrote him character references, gave him safe haven when voices abounded, etc. So when that didn't get to me he called me a man hater. Too funny. As I explained to him that I have a good life, great friends, hobbies - poetry - actually getting into it again, gardening, reading, etc. and that all I did was point out the obvious that he didn't agree with so kept throwing things at me that don't apply to me. Men hater - Absurd!

Looking forward to this summer. Have a P-Patch fling here this Saturday late evening/early night. And another gathering for the secretary's union late June, and another --thinking BBQ for both of those night of friends who have been traveling, Prague, Rome, Budapest, Mexico, so I can live vicariously through them!

And yes now I have my birth certificate so I can get my passport. Am plugging away at my debt and soon will be able to plan my own adventure. Soon is relative...not a a decade away, but not that close either.

Isn't it nice how weeding ones life actually invites celebration in to it... I love it!

Great weekend so far, water aerobics and swimming yesterday. The garden oh wait Aaron was going to help me with the garden and started telling me about his date last night. Then he tells me he isn't attracted to her (told him she was a BBW but she is too big for him he says....what's new, right?)but is going to go out with her a few more times because she is fun. I told him that was manipulating her, because she already called him this morning so is interested in him. He said I couldnt' know that I told him I was speaking from personal experience. After all if he hadn't told me how beautiful I was when we started dating to over a year and half later telling me he wasn't attracted to me I would never had invested that time!!! So he started telling me I was an asshole and to turn around and drop him off because he didn't want to spend the day with an asshole...so yup I turned around and dropped him off he told me again as he was getting out that I was an asshole, and I told him he was too. He talks about how honest he is, but clearly can't see the deception it is fun for him so forget that she gets invested because he wants to have fun.... seriously screwed up!
Anyway I got the tomatoes in and put up a new wooden pea trellis because vandals kept destroying the one I made. I forgot the plastic for the cloist/cloche no idea how to spell that, but have to go back and weed the other plot. Only doing bits at a time as I don't want to mess up my back this year. Hopefully not to cold or rainy tonight so the tomatoes will be ok! Feels good to dig in the dirt and pull out the weeds in all areas of my life!!!

Trying to live again. Going to a musical revue of the 60s and 70s tonight, should be fun.

FRAUDFRAUDFRAUDFRAUDFRAUDFRAUD
STUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPID
SUCKERSUCKERSUCKERSUCKERSUCKER

___________________________________

tonight's poetry reading a self published poet
whose poems were featured with angels, little black
dresses, moon, goddess, crone, and fuck... I think I have blocked out the other cliches...
and yes she gave her card to another writer to help her
publish...

okay....

mediocrity is the what we are leaving to our children!

THE JOB IS DONE. HE GOES TO SHORE TODAY, HE COMES HOME TOMORROW OR THE NEXT DAY!!!!

delays delays delays, fingers crossed on this week.

He is coming home early next week, and wisking me off my feet!

He is a fraud. But good for me for finding out. Good for me for not being a woman duped into being hurt physically or financially. Thank God my friends caught him in his lie that I pursued. He asked me to move in and gave me his address. The address is for sale.

And he is not the owner.

I can't wait til this contract is over, this 10 hour time difference is not on my sleep schedule!

I planted the kale and chard today. I need to talk to Howard about using his staple gun so I can make a trellis for the peas. Hopefully I can put those in soon! Still in love with a truly wonderful man. Can't wait til he comes home!!!

He makes everything possible. He opens me up and keeps me in his arms all the while. The songbird in my soul is free now and chirping and flying without abandon. Oh how I wait for his return.

It has been like an old fashioned romance words crossing over seas only ours have immediacy. Lightning has struck our hearts and seared us together. When he comes home we plan our future.

It is Saturday in S.A. so only 8 more days.

You know your sick when you are too tired to get out off the toilet.

My coworker is crazy, crazy crazy crazy...I just want Will to come home and hold me. Day 12 is done there on the very early morning of day 11.

While he is away
his voice wraps me
like my favorite warm blanket.

His daughter is on new medicine and won't be able to gokart for a bit, well because of construction next to the track so she will be ok, that is good. He goes to Saudi Arabia tomorrow and the 12 day count starts.

He has come to mean so much to me I didn't know it was possible. But then again I was hooked by his vocabulary and use of words from his first email so even though we have this and we both feel it are experiencing this dare we both say love it is life giving.

He thinks of me with this song

If you aint got someone you're afraid to lose.... be safe be safe be safe...

Radish King just reminded me of a full moon out tonight and yes she described it perfectly halo and all. I went up to the patio. Said a quick prayer to the moon watching over the house to watch over William. And yes R referenced the Virgin Mary in a separate post and the moon reminded me of her as well so asked her to keep him safe too. It is only 12 days I don't know if that is all 12 days in Saudi Arabia or includes the time in Spain, either way, keep him safe.

Ugh. He is in England today and then off to Spain and then to Saudi Arabia for a 12 day contract. Keep him safe Universe...

I miss him already.

mmmmmm

my matador came back to me and wrote me a poem, a well written love poem far to intimate for me to post here, I am undone, gone, smitten a skein of yarn loose on the world utterly, completely undone.

He came back and actually told me he is committed to keep in touch with me regularly because he realized how happy he is after he talks with me. We have so much in common and I can actually be myself with him. I have let my guard down and let the vulnerable me out and so far so good. Ths guy is something special and his daughter sounds adorable. Yay!

My heart needs a patch cord like my computer has....

Crushing out hard....great at times, sucks at others!

Gosh I really like this guy. I hope he isn't to scared to continue...he seems so kind and thoughtful when we talk, it is just this disappearing act, Ugh....

Still no word from him, it must be a game : (

The last I heard from him was a very garbled call at 2:45am Tuesday morning. Bad connection from Caracas. He was coming home and has of course vanished. I know he had to fly out to Toronto soon and that his flight had already been delayed because of world affairs so trying not to worry. I just want him to be available. But even if he isn't I am taking care of myself. I have upped my workouts to 3 a week and with the holiday will get 4 in this week. My foot is on the mend, and I see a nutritionist tomorrow.
It is just hard talking with an incredible man and then he is gone. I know he wants to talk more, and his voice is sincere when we talk so I hope to hear from him soon.

Yay, IM'ing away today..and he is coming home tomorrow!

Well his daughter was in the hospital all weekend so yeah I guess not calling is ok. He has made definate efforts since then. Unfortunately his work in Caracas leads to calls that drop. They don't quite have the international cell phone system working in all areas yet. But we did talk briefly and I heard his wonderful voice and his British accent. I can't wait til he is home. I don't know how his daughter stands it. But I know he is doing what he can. He has been raising her alone for seven years. I don't know how his wife passed yet, our phone calls and IM's are cut short. He tried calling me at 1:30 and 2am in the morning Cairo time both calls dropped. Then he IM'd at 12:30am my time and 4:30am his time, but I didn't see it until 1:30p my time/5:30am his time - I don't think he sleeps. We IM'd very briefly while he got ready for work, but he was unable to come back on line

I hope he tries again tonight. He is trying and that I love!

Is the new "I'll call you." when can we talk next, set a time and don't here from the guy. What an ass.
Past the point of doneness here, I am the ashes at the bottom of the charcoal grill after a rain.

I miss good men. I think they are all married or dead.

Sambusa, a parent made me sambusa and I can't wait to learn how to cook these - authentically that is!

Exhausted this weekend not sure why. Was suposed to make soup, maybe I will have more energy tomorrow.

Saw The Fighter yesterday, excellent story, not sure who the older brother was actor wise but was a brilliant actor. Then saw True Grit today wow what a story. Seemed different from the John Wayne flick. Very good.

Now just tired tired tired tired.

Fresh Salmon Quiche

So my new cookbook with all these recipes from inns across the nation. I just made a pie crust with cream cheese, never done that before. And I added broccoli, because it was just salmon and eggs and cheese and I am seriously trying to eat more fruit and veggies this year. It is baking now and in 8 minutes I have to take the foil off the edges of the pie crust. I hope it taste good.

Ahh we shall see if the vanishing man reappears. He said he would communicate more, so time will tell. I won't email him, I won't email him, I won't email him. I like to communicate so hope he really steps into this. As a widower I know there must be some trepidation but I may have to cut bait if he remains incommunicado much longer.

Oh Happy Day of Kings everyone - can't believe I almost forgot!

Flat tire

What a morning the first guy didn't know what he was talking about so had to get another guy who towed my car. Then my mechanic confirmed what he and the tow truck driver thought the first guy didn't know what he was talking bout! 5 1/2 hours total -later I have a car with 4 tires that work! Geez!

I need to pay rent so I can't quit. I need to pay rent so I can't quit. I need to pay rent so I can't quit. Day by day, hour by hour minute by minute, second by second, going to make it through...

Dreading work where I am terrorized... it sits in my stomach like a tsunami.

Applause to Le Reve

Yup, Gary has amazing friends! Can I have a hetero version of Keith the brilliant man solving world problems and completely flying under the radar. Love that! Caught in traffic during the actual countdown, my nightmare turned to reality. Completely sucked.

Then laid in bed til around noon. Went to Reve and if I die I think I want my ashes scattered there, it is phenomenal. I split a chocolate almond croissant, a savory bacon pastry and a raspberry cheesecake and could have died happy. I think my favorite was the savory bacon croissant, mmmm yummy!

Bought Ger a BLT & G - goat cheese sandwich that looked completely amazing! Can't wait to have one of those!

If you like french pastries and are in Seattle go to Reve.