And laughter

Yes laughter. He always pulls a rap out of his butt that includes the audience and it is usually cause for laughter especially when he includes messing up in the rap.

Jonathon Kingham

The man's voice soothes me. Aaron and I just heard him play at Madison Park. He is still amazing. Still hot. And his voice/music still soothes me. I was at work at 7:30 and usually leave at 3:30 was on my feet all day and had to be nice to about 100 strangers. Then I had a student crisis at about 3: 40pm so much for leaving on time. I left at 3:57 went to pick up dinner and had about a half an hour of downtime before I had to go get Aaron and drive to Madison Park. Oh did I mention the parent meltdown in the office. Geesh! And yes I am a bitch. I am genuinely nice with bitchy moments. And Jonathan's voice/music soothes this savage beast.

http://www.jonathankingham.com/discography.asp

And another thing

I am working really hard on not judging people. I felt I was lapsing into old habits so am extremely concious of value judgements. I don't want the religious folk to judge me and that movie is one big gavel.

Ok

And yes there was some valid points. Scientology believing in E.T.s, etc. The gov'ts that are actually run by religious rules that say it isn't religion it is politics. It still. I feel icky and gross like when A was watching Bill Moyers and the topic was racism. I don't want the hate monger phrases bellowing into my house. Trust me with this dark skin, I know the hate mongers are out there. But I don't blame every white person for their voice or action. It seemed very unbalanced and rather well degrading.

Value Judging

Wow. I just watched the documentary or film or what genre it fits Religulous, and I didn't like it. Most people know religion is dangerous in the wrong hands. I wanted to cry when he made the Islamists into all violent terrorist. I thought of Naomi Shihab Nye and her cries for peace. Of a previous Muslim student who made her choices in clothing as she felt and who helped an Israeli throwing daggers to talking and laughing about common ground. My guy thinks it is all about doubt and questioning. I felt like it was value judging and degrading. And I don't attend church. When a very good friend told me she prayed for me I thanked her in honesty. She loves me enough to embrace me in her faith that is one of the pillars of her heart. She doesn't ask me to convert or to pray with her, of course I can't talk to her about sex either. There are boundaries on both sides. I respect her. I respect tolerance. Gosh that movie stirred me up it honestly was arrogant and in some respects hateful. The movie doesn't mention the word extremist or maybe he is saying all religious people are extremists, that is the impression it left on me yes hatefull, filled with hate. Sorry A, but this one is one you can watch on your own as it is 2 thumbs down with me.

hmm

Worried tonight. Haven't heard from A all day. Not email or phone. He always checks in and he leads such a stressful life I hope he is ok.

Our weekend was kind of magical.

Saturday morning was rough, we had to talk about Friday, when I felt stood up by him. Not sure he gets it as such no guarantee it won't happen again. Walk that bridge if we come to it. Watched Julie and Julia and yes he is the butter to my bread.

We ended up at Lincoln Park and had a great talk. I mean I just love how we can talk movies (or film if you prefer), politics, life stuff, then had incredible Vietnamese sandwiches. I mean fresh cucumber on these ones..yummy. Went back to his place watched an interesting movie, woke up Sunday. He seemed a bit out of sorts came back from coffee and made me breakfast. And it was yummy. After the eggs we talked a lot about some of the stress he is under cleared some things up. I helped where I could. Then I went to the garden he did some things around the house. I crafted tomato and basil sandwiches on red pepper bagels and mmmm they were exquisite. Went to Greenlake I started a new book (tired from gardening) while he walked and sipped a caramel frappacino. Ah a good book and caramel...mmmm life is good. Then we came home and watched Forgetting Sara Marshall, and yes it was predictable and saccharin and I utterly loved it. Took a little romance break and segwayed into a ballroom dancing DVD and practiced the waltz. I haven't laughed so hard in ages. It was the perfect cap to the evening.

I love this man. He doesn't want me to because of all the stuff in his life, but it is too late I am hooked.

Went back to work, it is hard to work after a magical night. So yes it was very rocky today at work.

Came home listened to Matthew Sweet and David Wilcox and read. And now I am hoping my man has at least sent an email. I took out the garbage a little bit ago and apparently tonight I am the only one in this highly affluent neighborhood who has trash refuge garbage. Maybe that is why the neighbor in the ultra big house across the street gives me dirty looks (yup she actually asked A to move the car when he was parking in front of her house some lame story about a delivery, yeah, right.) Oh well at least I take my crap out!

Flames

Tears keep dropping from my eyes. It is hard to have a relationship when one party doesn't stop to consider the other on a weekend night. Sounds familiar. So I am home alone thinking I was supposed to be giving him a Reike treatment tonight and he is having dinner with friends. Apparently I couldn't join them. I told him I felt stood up tonight. I had initially told him it was fine. He asked me why I told him it was fine. And I guess it was because I had to justify it to myself. I had to make it ok. Had to make it ok that he would rather be with friends than me on a Friday night.

I need flames
I crave fire
molten heat
form
fold
crush me
to cinder

Just went for a walk. I turned off the TV and went for a walk. It was small, but still I went for a walk. There was a boy with a shirt It's how bad you want it. If only I wanted it that bad again. Do we only get a limited supply of wants and dreams. I feel like mine have been snatched away, and am all dried up. But at least I went for a walk tonight.

The tomatoes are turning and the basil plant is full. A pepper singed my tongue. I need fresh mozzerella. Cucumbers, cream cheese and your bread of choice. For fancy ones use a cookie cutter. I love this season.

Reflection

The last time I was at Rainier was in the 90s and I weighed 130 pounds less. The mountain was beautiful. Even on 3 hours sleep. But I wish I had been at least well rested. The reality check from the mountain was good fitness wise. My friends and my boyfriend are concerned with my health. I wish I could be. Maybe if I think about watching my mom die. How frightening, how incredibly scary. And how sad, I remember watching my sister feed her scrambled eggs. The ultimate role reversal. Now I am just sad. Thinking about her death just makes me sad. I need a motivator. The surgery was one. But I don't need to have anything else go wrong that way, I am just almost done paying that bill off. So once I pay that off, next month and then pay off a small remaining balance on a credit card I can get the trainer I like again. So about 2 months. I have to try and step up the workouts myself though too. It won't help having a trainer if I am not doing anything myself.

I guess I used to feel embarrassed about my size. And sometimes I still do. Sometimes it is just easier to give up though. And life has been hard....

Enough of this sudo pity party, off to the garden.

(on that note the onion, broccoli, and squash from the garden were great on the campout. I can't wait to make them here :)

Rainier

Off to Rainier I wonder how far I will be able to haul my fat ass.

When no one can be there for me I have chips and caramels. No wonder why I feel ugly. All I seem to do is eat away my sadness.

My mom died in July of 1999 and 3 months later my brother was murdered in September. My dad passed in August 2005. I feel gross/bloated/beyond ugly and am in-between deathversaries..yay....

Rain Rain

Rain Mist
Oxygen Nutrition
Soak Embed
Breath

Better

So Aaron and I spent Saturday together and it was good. He was extremely preoccupied today so we parted ways early. He is getting better at not calling me his previous pet name for me that his mentally ill ex girlfriend who is just a friend has latched on to and signs her inappropriately written cards with so that is good. He is not wearing the wedding band anymore and that is good. It would have been nice to see him today and spend time with him, but I should see him tomorrow. He lost his debitg card and it takes 2 weeks to get a new one and used his last cash to buy us lunch so I floated him some money until tomorrow. I have to buy gas tomorrow s that will be good to get the money back, but I don't mind loaning it to him. He paid me back for some work boots I bought him when he didn't have the money so it is all good.

Simple

Garden fresh tomatoes, garden fresh basil, quality mozarella, olive oil, and sea salt, sunshine and a patio/lawn.

Kleenex

A friend just mentioned a head cold. Yup I gave up on my little trash cans and now have a tall kitchen garbage bag almost full with kleenex and today toilet paper. It is draped off of one of my kitchen chairs and I must say my place looks very ghetto. For some reason I have the blues, I am pms-ing and broke, I am only getting back into my walking as it is something that really helps keep me balanced. I have a boyfriend who is finally understanding that it is important not to call me the pet name of his just friend, and my house is a mess. I must at least clean my house. And yes I think my sinus infection is past enough to call the almost full bag full to tie up its blue ends and take out to the garbage. And in 40 minutes I am walking Greenlake with A. Yikes, I better get my butt moving.

Rants vs. Whines

It has been an interesting week. The poets from my writing group and second group that R used to facilitate, well I don't think they had much interaction with poets outside of R. So when the group was suddenly ended some were very upset. It pales in comparison with artist behavior I endured. So sad the approach and whisperings and I hope that we all can pick up the pieces and find grace. The previous groups have merged. I harbor no ill will toward R or the other groupees and still work on my work.

Went to the Storm game Tuesday night, they lost in overtime. It was quite sad.

I just talked to Aaron, he and I talked about why he was wearing a "friendship ring" that his ex gave him and he said it was so people would know he was in a relationship with me. Ok. now the thing is that the ring that his ex told him all friends do for each other is a wedding band. Soooo yeah. It really hurt to see him wearing it without the explanation so I told him it would make more sense for me to buy a ring for him than for him to wear one from his ex. I am guessing he probabaly thinks as most men would that it makes more sense to just use the ring rather than buy a new one, but nope. not ok. I found out she claimed the pet name he calls me so now I have to have a new one, that she writes inappropriate "friend" cards for him and now the ring. Nope. I know just the ring I want for him, and can't wait to buy it for him!

And if you are wondering - the Entertainment Book is the way to go. I paid a total of $28 for 4 tickets to the game and A and I had $28. seats the first game and tonight have $55. seats all for $28. bucks not to mention the awesome two for one deals, the Bengal Tiger mmmmm my favorite and so many others. I just get blown away thinking about how much money I have saved from this $20 book. Next year now that I have my favorites I have to remember to hound the people for their Bengal Tiger coupons, and Louisa's and Rickshaw - looks like a dive but excellent Chinese food, and hoping will have more money next summer to take advantage of some of the activities other than museums. But yes even two for ones for the SAM, BAM and TAM - all used already of course! Oh and my favorite the MOHAI.

A storm for the Storm

How exciting rain and cool air have finally returned to Seattle. Just in time for the Storm game tonight. And yes we have excellent seats. Thanks Kyle! It was so heartbreaking at the last game. The women literally lost in the last seconds to the Shock - Detroit, my old home state. Boy did they make Detroit work and with a couple of our main players out it was exciting. I think we play Phoenix tonight. Rain come and soak into every neuron of my cell. I can't wait until after work to go stand in the rain...just call me a turkey as I point my head to the sky!

Weeds

Will the weeds ever stop growing. I have to remember to tell Aaron not to water the compost. I think that is helping the weeds spread rather than dry out. Anyway I have 2 small mystery squashes growing. Then a couple of winter squash -acorn I believe and a zuchinni plant just getting leafy. My cucumbers are speading their leave all over, and one cabbage looks almost done and the others that battled cabbage fleas (who knew) are finally looking cabbagey. The romas are elongating the cherry's cherrying and beefsteak my mind meld didn't work are still green. The salad or I mean lettuce is growing growing growing. Same for the onions. I have a great onion recipe, unfortunately Aaron doesn't like onions, if it was garlic it would be a dealbreaker, but I just eat his share of onions. So now after weeding today and again and again and again I am stuck waiting. I am not good at waiting. Ask Aaron about my driving. We had a serious talk and I have to slow down my driving to make him feel better that I will be safer. But slower doesn't mean safer. Lake front property doesn't mean someone won't knock on your door and shoot you. Ask my brother Tony. Oh that's right you can't he was murdered in the lake front property community. but I digress.....I will drive slower. I have been driving slower. It is a very conscious effort. It doesn't mean I am miraculously patient, I just keep telling myself outloud I told him I would drive slower...and I may be a lot of things, but I work very hard to maintain my honesty. ...not counting my poetry/plays/short pieces because I can lie all the fuck I want in those!!!

Noon

It is already noon. I woke up at 3am, stuffed up, my sinuses not cooperating with this hot weather so take my book Easy on the Eyes by Jane Porter and read. I go back to bed about 5am and then wake up at 9/9:30am and grab the book. I love the books this woman writes. Pure fiction but speaking as if I were righting the words about what I want from love and live. Just like all other women I want it all. Ok I don't match the beautiful characters in her stories, not physically anyway, but that is what I like she only makes that a part of the package. And in the end it is a small part of the tenacity, loss, hope, and love that fills their life. Is it wrong to want it all? When does one decide it is good? Not good enough, but good. Maybe I watch to much tv and read to much fiction, but what can I say I live in blue sky and mountains and yes even love the rainy season, have a man with a beautiful soul, and yes hope I can find the strength I need to tackle my physical challenges, all in all life is ok/good. Still wanting more. I guess when I stop my breath stops too.

Hot chocolate won last night. Exhausting yet fun morning. Must sleep and if I can read now.