Here is to an injury free 2011. And keeping everything in perspective - murder vs. harassment. No need to fret as much as I do!!!

Wishing joy, freedom, peace, abundance especially abundant laughter and incredible sex for everyone in 2011.

I am so ready for a new year. I had a year of injuries and am ending on that same note. I absolutely dread going to work where I am terrorized and have to wait for HR to decide if I am being bullied or not. Fortunately I have a doctor's appt so that should help. I have been dreading going back to work since yesterday and literally am just afraid. I just wish my coworker would blow up again in front of anyone besides me. She is so unstable I really feel for her children.

In the meantime I work in an unsafe environment. I really have to commit to my studies so that I can start school next fall. I wonder how much debt I will have paid down by next fall. I just want to go to school and not have to deal with psychos. I also want yes to find a nice available intelligent affectionate sexy man who loves me and only me.

But pipe dreams....maybe that is the theme for 2011 Pipe Dreams.... why not, has to be better than my reality.

Don't know what to do with myself. My knee is healing. I could clean, oh what fun. So am watching stupid TV. I just got back from the library so maybe I picked a good book this time. Hopefully one will pull me in, off to turn some pages.

Ok, had to try a different take - Russ Columbo and Marilyn, Call Me Darling

Ok, try it again one more time- Call Me Darling

Call me darling by Peggy Lee

This was sang on Christmas by Phyllis and oh we all loved her piano playing and this song. And yes it was sang first in English, then in German then in French. Got to love that!

Besides the new gym membership, and the little stuffed chimp from the zoo I am giving myself me. Me free of any encumbrances especially those involving attachments/relationships with men. I want to get back to that contented state - not one of these fifty- where I actually had men plural vying for my attention. And this time I will stay focused on me. I think this needs to be an annual gift I wonder what else I will get myself next year, besides renewing my gym membership. Maybe a day at the spa, or signing up for college to begin a new part of my life. Yay Christmas! Yay me! Yay!

Why do men pretend they are ready for relationships when they really aren't. I mean come on we are not in high school anymore.

What a night. Went to dinner with Guy and then Candy Cane Lane. He was in a major hurry so we drove through it quickly. Then hanging out at home, talked to Aaron, then Joani. Then Ger called and met her at a restaurant and chatted with her while she ate dinner. She loved her St. Dymstha (I am sure I spelled that wrong)like I thought she would. Then I took Ger to Candy Cane Lane and we walked through. It was great. There was an igloo with boots sticking out and a Christmas hippo and well a whole bunch of other stuff. It was totally cool. Felt my blood sugar dropping so after dropping off Ger grabbed a snack and am not ready for bed.

Disappointed in a guy I was talking with, just another unavailable man. As they all seem to be. Life in that arena SUCKS!!!

After an incredibly rough week I had an incredible day. I finished up my gift buying and thought I would price one more item a Zoo family pass. When I was there a woman gave me her family's extra ticket so I got to go in for free!!!

The first thing I did was feed the penguins for $5.00 I got to feed 4 penguins. I met two who were mates and a third Raul who was definately a hungry guy. Then one of the volunteers walked me to the snow leopards and we saw the kids playing one was on top hunched, stalking and pounced on the unsuspecting other one. Then I made my way through the lunching organtans, and saw one elephant. He/She was gigantic. I love elephants.

On my way back one of the chimpanzee type of monkeys was out, it has the gentlest face, oh I almost forgot about the orthologist talking about the barn owl, hawks, falcons and vultures. Then when I was leaving the organtans were playing a sort of peek a boo with what looked like a burlap coffee bag. My plantar fascitous started acting up as I was leaving. And it hurts like a bear now, but I got my shopping done and am going to make truffles later once I rest my foot a bit!

Yay!!!

So I am talking to a new guy on-line but are conversations have been minimal. He is a smarty pants which is such a turn on and hmmm just wish he was available but as a single parent and a job that takes him out of the country in very remote areas is minimal. Probably best that way keeps things nice and slow.

Nice night at Mulleady's in Magnolia last night then water aerobics lunch and Harry Potter today. Nice weekend even got a little cleaning in. Need to buy the kiddos gifts for Monday and make the flourless choc. cake. Actually twice once for my dear wonderful Michgander friend/sister. Also need to find the cool packy thingies that keep things cool. Yeah!

Feeling ugly and gross tonight. Bloated. Too many carbs. Ugh. Swimming tomorrow that will help me feel better. Come on tomorrow.

I Feel Love by CRSB

Had the best salad with figs, shaved goat cheese and pomegranite seeds and wild greens it was amazing. Then followed with the best French Onion soup ever. I never liked french onion soup but had a good feeling about this place. A little heavy on the cheese, but I just left that in the bowl it was perfect, not salty junks of onions perfect broth mmmm yummy applause applause to 35th St. Bistro in Fremont and my wonderful friend Guy for treating me to such a yummy meal.

I got in the car for a test drive. I went about 3 1/2 blocks then walked another couple blocks to the store. The street over was completely clear. Of course the road I was on became icy. Then the bag handle broke on the way back to the car. Hopefully tomorrow the warm weather will come as it is supposed to and make the way a little clearer. Headed up to Capital Hill tomorrow - yup the other big hill in Seattle, wish me luck!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and if you are having trouble thinking of things to be thankful for, then be thankful that you are not a turkey - gobble gobble...

Ranchers Home, yes it really exist. a poem is gushing out like projectile vomit, better get a pen or napkins!

20something degrees, opted for a fried egg sandwich rather than walking to the store. It just looks so cold outside brrrr.

Snowed in at the top of the hill. Will walk to the store tomorrow, too bad I don't have those grippy's for ice.

It sucks that I have to be the one to file a harassment claim. I didn't do anything wrong and am being abused and my boss said, "I don't know what to do." Why should I have to feel scared? Why should I have to be the one forced to work in a scary environment?

I hate this. I hate this I hate this I hate this I HATE THIS!!!

The Good: I received my original Angela Simione of a beautiful block wood cut of aan unclothed doll. She does have shoes and a sad face.

The Bad: I have to file a harassment claim at work because my coworker - who yells at kids, made a middle schooler feel self-conscious about her weight, threatened me and has not had enough consequences so decided to start calling me names. I went to the doctor yesterday and told her about the ordeal and she has me staying home next week.

I can only imagine this is what it feels like to live with an alcoholic never knowing what is going to set a person off. It really feels unsafe and yup it is put on me since I have to file the harassment claim.

Good school environment.

Stumptown coffee is the best. Homegrown is my new favorite place. And live music is oxygen.

Cable is out and I realize I have become a slave to TV. It soothes me. Not as good as the lull of the ocean but some shows hit a monotone pitch and put me to sleep. Not sure what my lullabye will be tonight if it doesn't come on before bedtime. Yikes!

mmmmm mushroom risotto for dinner tonight, no meat just the risotto a but load of carbs, but damn it is good....

I saw 3 large sudo busses indicating the end of the world was coming on 5/21 and 5/22the vehicles were all black with blackened windows. Suspect we will hear about some kool-aid or something again from some cult next spring. Sad. Too bad people can't find a loving spirit guide to honor.

Blue ink is flowing
in my wrist
I want to slash it
let it out
stain the page

2 Bags

I went through two bags of Halloween candy and think it was gone in an hour. Turned out my porch light and the motion sensor light. The mcmansion next door has the theme from Nightmare Before Christmas playing loudly a major as in 4H winning pumpkin with a fog machine, and the owner is dressed as Sally from the movie. They did it up well. Too bad her hubby didn't dress as Jack, oh well, he could have pulled it off too. The kids looked great one was a creepy vampire and the other a pink princess/ballerina not sure she could decide. Glad her kids are kids and not bots that I imagine the wealthy having.

I love my neighborhood even if I am the poor renter in the basement!

Avatar

Ok, they really advertised this movie wrong for me. I loved this movie. It was beautiful and passionate, and everything in romance that I could ever want and will never have....sigh!!!

Feel like tossing my cookies...ugh sick day tomorrow and of course tonight...

This makes me smile.

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008)

Psycho co-worker stays in character being extremely nice yesterday, no idea how she will act Monday....

I am tired of psycho co-workers. I wish my place of employment would start doing are you a fucking look profiles before hiring people and what the hell the people that don't want to be mean just get displaced and get to push the skilled people out of their jobs. I want to quit sooooooooo bad!!!!!!!

Just did about 25 minutes of a Biggest Loser workout, about 5 more than last week and feel good. Have chix, potatoes, onion, celery, and carrot in the oven so feel really good about that. Loaded and ran the dishwasther, doing a load of laundry. I feel good. I have Friday off and maybe I can have the place clean by then so I can take my $100 Macy dollars (bad customer service experience so they gave me $100 of their dollars) and find some great shoes and a few super clearance items. Yup I got a great sweater for $3. And about 5 tops for $20 so the money should stretch. I hope this good feeling lasts. Definately limiting seeing the guy who hurt me so much helps. And more so surrounding myself with people who love me. Had a great call with Lorena, she still isn't feeling great we will shoot to get together on Saturday, and went out with Atia on Sat night. Blush has a killer HH menu. My favorite was the mango ahi citrus salad mmmm yummy.

I took a shower and just wanted to be naked. It was good to not have a shallow asshole around making me feel ugly while I embraced my nakedness. Tomorrow I garden, not naked, but still good.

I think Aaron and I will just have to be garden friends. I tried to go out with him to the garden and then dinner and all I could think was he sees me as ugly. I know he wants to be friends and honestly I don't know if I can do it. So for now I will limit it to the garden. Like I said my parents weren't bad people loved me but never saw me as beautiful and I think that is his deal. Still completely unacceptable that he never told me at the front end of the relationship. Had he I would never have gone out with him. I wish I could get the time back and yes if I could take it all back and have my life back without ever having dated him I would.

And yes I am sick of myself wanting to talk to him about politics and life and not wanting him near me. Ugh!

And what is really wild it took him a year and a half to figure out he would rather be out playing with an ethnic barbie than me...please. What an ass.

Pruning and weeding.

Yesterday all the rain brought the black spot on my yellow roses so felt good to trim that away. I even bagged it up for the yardwaste so it wouldn't spread into my soul. (yes this is a typo, but it is appropro so am keeping it!)

Today I pruned the purple rose and found a ton of weeds around it. And was granted with a hidden surprise of another squash. Gave it to Gary he was meeting me for coffee. We had a great talk about energy and infrastructure. He is such a smarty pants and so cool. Glad he is my friend. Then I went back to the garden and started trimming down the raspberries. They get so big. They were attacking the apple tree and hiding some major weeds. Got one giant weed pulled out and bagged those up - to woody for the compost. Feels so good to be cutting things back pulling out weeds, clearing.

It all makes sends a dear sweet friend suggested therapy and if I can find a good one I will take the suggestion. I realized Aaron is just a throwback to my parents, loved me but never thought I was beautiful and what is really amazing is I am and I believe I am. That is why I wish he had told me at the front of the relationship because I am beautiful and I know it and tough shit that he can't see it!

Zoe Leonard says it all for me. Thanks Angela for sharing this brilliant woman's work.

I keep eating but the pain doesn't stop. It made me sick last night....

I did have something good happen this week, a student who graduated about 4 years ago brought me a dozen red roses, just cuz she missed me....

The sadness has set in...Aaron's lie to me, I don't know why he lied he said he didn't want to hurt my feelings, then why did he tell me now. So it was all a lie. A year and a half wasted. I wish I had never met him. Now I am lonely scared and feel completely ugly.

hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehateshatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate
hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehateshatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate
hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehateshatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate
hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehateshatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate
hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehateshatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate

In this moment I hate men that lie. I know women lie, but I don't date them.

Sad. Lonely. But I will be ok. I kind of like the quiet. I have to remember it is ok to be alone no matter what the holiday commercials say! I have a great weekend, a long lost friend that I can practice Spanish with Sat morning. Actually she is so busy with her two medically fragile kids, husband and family in Chiapas we just hardly ever see each other. Then possibly a play in the afternoon the a drinking party with Atia. Yay!!Sun, I think Guy and I are hanging out in the afternoon and Shannon and I might get together in the am. She is busy super presenter at major conference all day Saturday so will have to wait and see if she has any energy Sun morning. No weekend for Aaron, only the people in my life who find me beautiful inside and out. Yay me!

It feels good having this chapter of my life closed I can get back to that healthy life I had. Aaron swears he told me he was never physically attracted to me. As if I would spend a year in a half with a man who thought I was ugly. Please. I may have self esteem issues but they aren't that fucked up!

So Aaron told me last night he was never attracted to me physically. So I wasted a year and a half of my life trying to make a relationship work with someone who wasn't into me who was to afraid to hurt my feelings...please. If I had known that upfront I would honestly be about 70 pounds lighter healthier and enjoying my life. A good friend said "it doesn't matter if it is intentional or not his presence in my life leads to me being hurt." True true. Another friend said, "look at my life and my friends and his and how he doesn't have any" and another friend basically said "What a dick!" And these are 3 very intelligent, educated, successful in family/home/work.

So yup I wasted a year and a half with someone who wanted an ethnic Barbie. I found a shallow man cloaked in museums and poetry. Time to get my life back and go back to having a life that brings me joy alone without men because they only bring me pain....

Somewher along my miserable live I became productive this weekend. I made black bean chicken chili, peach cobbler, and Korean ribs. I have all the fixins for broccoli casserole and will have a taco night with grass fed beef and home made taco shells.

Of course I have to make it through tomorrow. Work is still a mess. Send Reike, prayers energy.

Someone whose life is as messed up as mine, medicated with alcohal and laughed. Not much alcohol after a half a rum and coke and a walk I was dizzy. Alcohol is one of the only thing that spikes my blood sugar so drank mostly vicariously through my friend. Poor thing I think we both are in the same boat, fucked up relationships and job suckage. Happy hour anyone?

Making myself go out tonight. Going out with a previous co-worker at 8pm to a low-key bar. Ugh.

The sun is shining and I stay in the basement. I hope to hide in the park tomorrow, maybe there won't be any sick weddings reminding me of my being alone again.

I feel sad and alone. Not certain why life is worth living. I also had an a-ha moment today. Wondering why when I told my mom I wanted to be a writer she asked my why I wanted to be poor and live in Grenich Village with a bunch of hippies/nobodies. Why couldn't she have actually encouraged me or listed writers that were successful? Why didn't she say it may be hard work, but if you commit to it you can do it? I live my life in shadows occassionally finding a sun spot. But my home is the shadows.

A dear friend sent me a large bouquet of flowers, white Gerbera daisies - gargantuan white Gerbera daisies and some yellow button flowers and yellow daises. Another friend is having a BBQ on Sunday I am making a blueberry pie, and picking up vanilla ice cream.

My friends are my life jackets buoying me along through stormy waters. Thank heavens for my friends. I actually had someone pray for me yesterday. It was really beautiful. She held my hands and said a prayer about protecting my heart. She is quite religious and a beautiful person and am lucky to know her. I am so lucky to have Christian friends that really are non judgemental because I grew up around the judgemental religious type.

Anyway it was a really beautiful moment. I need to focus on those instead of the wretched ones. The wretched ones are smoothing out.

Again I can't let him go even though it may or may not be in my best interst. I know he makes me whole and even if he is only a friend I don't think I can let that go.

It hurts to have him in my life and it kills at the thought of not having him in my life. I am so fucked up.

Aaron emailed me tonight that I am one of the great ones, I emailed him back explaining to him since he dumped me and is out kissing on a skanky woman who he found on basically a sleeparound site that he didn't get to say that and that it is fucked up.

Go have your midlife crisis somewhere else cuz I don't want it around me!

Feeling sad tonight. Although I went to a poetry reading and Margaret had a killer poem, brilliant line about 27 bones in the hand.

Now sad. Feels done done with Aaron. Like I wrote I saw who he was kissing and yuck and considering the site he met her on double yuck. Triple yuck. Yuck to infinity. And yup I was with him for just under a year and a half. He says he is a Taurus, but I think he is a Gemini, definately two different people in him it seems to me....

I feel so much better now... I saw a picture of what A is hooking up with now and I can literally hear 4 of my closest friends in their wonderful judgemental tones "skank." He is definately not touching me since he has had his hands on that. Yuck!

I will be strong again one day. I am done with relationships I just don't have it in me to believe that there are any good men out there, clearly I thought that and look what happened.

I will be strong again, lonely but strong.

I feel so naive so stupid and so used.

Such a mental wreck right now....

I think the Lexapro is working, feeling a bit safer and less alone. Not so significant that Aaron broke up with me and broke my heart, more just numb now. Numb is good.

living life in fear sucks

I must be receiving a lot of Reike or prayer or the Lexapro is kicking in. I go back to work tomorrow so we will see if I am just up for the 3rd time before I go down for the final time.

If you know Reike, please send some my way.

My life has turned into the sawdust thrown on some kids vomit.

It can only get better from here. Time to go study.

I'm struggling with life right now....ex-boyfriend, now a friend with limited benefits, fumigation, trouble at work, and still don't have my bed. My bed arrives Thursday. Maybe things will start getting better once I get my bed this Thursday. I know it can get worse, but I sure hope it doesn't.

Laundry laundry laundry
never ending laundry
wash spin dry repeat

Tired but relieved

The Bug man came yesterday and was very thorough, as can be seen by drawers pulled out of a dreser (still may get rid of) and generally even more chaos than when I left it. He was quite cute and a reader who has 12 bookcases and over 200 1st editions. Pretty cool.

Anyway I have spent most of today drying clothes through 2 cycles then washing in hot water then drying again then returning to their respective drawers. I have not made much progress I finished the ones in the dryer yesterday that had only made it through one cycle so they actually got 3 cycles of heat. Then moved on to the towels as I really want a shower soon so want a towel to dry off in clean and ready. Of course all the towels don't fit at once, so will finish the towels then move on to underwear and then one load of clothes including what I am wearing tonight to Ger's where I go and crash. I wish I had brought up the book I am reading There is a (Slight) Chance I Might Be Going to Hell by Lori or Laura Notaro. Quite amusing fiction. Great for summer.

What a beautiful day, I think I will run down get the book and read on the patio, once the dryer goes off so I have at least one load done and get another one started.

Geez what an incredibly boring weekend for me...yeah yeah....

Life Sucks Yeah Yeah...

Follow the Pink Floyd tune along. I have limited time at the computer this week as yes the bug guy is spraying for bed bugs today. I caught one and it really was one. It was on the wall waiting to glom onto my pillow. I only was bit at the Hood Canal which my boyfriend at that time told me the bites looked like bed bug bites. So after throwing away bags of stuff vacuuming I narrowed it down to yes either the worst birthday weekend ever (at the free cabin at the Hood Canal) or close to it excluding the beauty of the Hood Canal and the incredible Mexican Food and tequila shot. I either brought home a bed bug from there or after going through that section of my closet that had luggage and purses there was a gross purple newspaper bag type of bag, that I loved. Aaron gave it to me a long time ago, he got it at a thrift store, which you guessed it are being overrun by bed bugs. One of the saddest parts is I had one of those great old gray suitcases with shiny silver brackets on the edges that used to belong to my dad. It was full and all of a sudden the mystery of where my great sexy summer clothes that I loved - orange off the shoulder light sweater, black halter, etc. etc. etc. and some regular clothes I really liked were in that suitcase. I opened it outside and the impact forced a bug loose. Squish. And bag up the suitcase and take to the trash. Even sentimentality can't stay considering the cost of getting rid of these critters. Which is money I don't have and had to get. Ugh. Fortunately I got. Fortunately I had a way to get. So have been spending evenings dryin (heat kills) washing in hot water and drying again. Bagging those clothes up so I know what I have washed. Throwing out anything that looked remotely suspicious. The mattress set was gone on Sunday. After a night of no sleep going back and forth from the kitchen table to the love seat I called a friend at the bottom of the hill. She is so great she is like pack a bag bring it over, I said no - that is how they travel. I just seriously need a bed so have been cleaning (and it was already pretty clean) at night then shower put on my nightgown and clean clothes fresh out of the dryer and go crash at her place. Get up come home go to work. Yesterday the loveseat and bedframe were taking to the dump thanks to my ex's Guy and Aaron. Now I am still washing/drying clothes waiting for the bug guy. I can't find my vaccuum bags, I don't remember using them all, but the vacuum bag store - seriously you wouldn't think Eureka upright bags would be hard to find but I have to go to a special vacuum store for them....Because I used my last one last night. Borrowed Aaron's vaccum to finish up and now am waiting for the bug guy. Checkbook in hand. yeah yeah...

Intuition

Greenberg was bad. Horrible. A waste of 3 hours of my life. I want to go to that director or even theater owner and demand my 3 hours back. If I had trusted my intuition I would have stayed in and watched 6 Feet Under - season 3. As it is I came home and had to watch it to try and remove the incredible stench of a movie I had just saw. Seriously it isn't even forgettable because it was so bad. It was what I tend to do in a poem before edited... 45 -50 minutes of throat clearing, - that is where the poetry similarity ends, it had no character development, and was oh my god just so incredibly stupid. I wanted to leave, but I had driven and my friend wanted to stay. I was trying to check the time to see if I could go to the movie Kick Ass which is you know forgettable, but entertaining. And hey I don't mind fluff. Don't get me wrong, I like the so called intelligent movies/independents, but this was just bad. I think the reviewers who all the different ones raved about it, must have been bribed, because they certainly could not have watched it without walking out on it. The audience was notably disappointed, GIVE US ALL OUR 3 HOURS BACK!!!! (3 hours because I included drive time)

Argh

Some people really have no concept how to raise their children!!!!!

an egg
broke hard
yellow goodness spills out
shit sack gone
brown shell remains
cracked and hollow

I don't know what to do with myself on Saturday nights. And the Cymbalta commercial about depression on a night of bad TV programming isn't helping. Breaking out a library book.

Still working these:

Life/death
men with swords aside our Lord
above one stands ready at the guard
a few alongside in prayer
while a three headed woman
captive in the stocks
stays at his feet
eyes cast low to not shed her evil
on the master

who do I pray to now?




---------------------------------------


wet bricks told of the night rains
walls up high dried by the sun
only fifteen feet away, I hope I don't slip
only fifteen feet to what?
walls to high to scale
a bench by the passageway
even the guards need rest
no one in sight,
perhaps they lay in wait
in the recessed shadows
just ten more feet
perhaps I'll make it this time
perhaps not

Sad now.

Don't know who said:

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

My mantra alongside...I'm ok I'm ok I'm ok.

Halloween

I was growing my hair for Angela who is an honest to goodness artist and is amazing and she even works with hair. I was going to cut it after Halloween. A friend made me this killer apron and I was going to be a hot housewife with a 50s updo for my guy. Guess I can cut it now. Don't have the guy to be the hottie for, and don't plan on another one. I mean if a thoughtful, kind, strong man in his 40s isn't aware that he really is a good man and there really aren't a lot out there...I just don't understand pushing away someone you love because you are going through a rough time. I am there for the people I love when they are having a rough time, but this time I am being pushed away so am not being allowed to support.

On the bright side I can wait til early July and get a killer do for Jen's wedding. Yup, the one he would still like to attend because he likes my friends. Smart man, of course he likes my friends they are amazing people. Jen said he wants all the fun stuff without the commitment, and that I already have friends for that. Maybe she is right, but don't think that is it. The lonlies last night were so hard.

alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone

Postcard Poetry

I had a workshop with Oliver de la Paz and he had us write poems based on a post card and while perusing garage sales found a yard of 10 for a $1.00 postcards. They have been sitting in a pile for 2 weeks. One I meant to mail to you know who and now tear up thinking about that so need to move on to the other ones. Maybe they have been sitting long enough. Maybe it is time to write.

He sounded so happy tonight. Not a care in the world. No girlfriend no commitment not a care in the world.

Thinking to much

Things we didn't do and were going to:

Las Vegas - Paris, a picture at the Eiffel Tower
Cape Avala
Olympic Music Festival Again
Summer Concerts in Kirkland
BBQing at the park
Seahurst Park

Feeling quite sad in this moment. Chances are would be enroute back here with A by my side. We would watch some Buffy or Six Feet Under then curl up in bed. Sad I miss him and are shared time.

My back is hurting me. The doctor has me on Ibuprofin and vicodin for nighttime. I start physical therapy on Thursday. Have a plumber coming out tomorrow. Have to cancel being on interview committee on Thursday to go to the PT appt. Bummer could have used the overtime.

What I have

I decided to focus on what I have instead of what I lost:
(I know there is more than this, but it feels like these are the important ones)

A beautiful home to live in even if it is a basement!
A job I like more than dislike.
A bountiful garden.
SuperFriends - yup Superman and the Justice League would be jealous.

That is good for now....

Suddendly Single

Well Aaron broke up with me last night. I wasn't clear on it and thought it was just him thinking I wanted to be married, but had told him before knowing he doesn't believe in marriage that reflecting on whether I want him in my life without marriage or not having him in my life I chose having him in my life. That discussion was a long time ago so thought it bizarre but that we had cleared things up. Of course this was all happening around 2am. Then at around 7: 30am when we were awake I asked just to be clear were you talking about not being boyfriend/girfriend because of the marriage thing. No. He doesn't think he is giving me what I need as a boyfriend. He is going through a rough time and I guess people who go through rough times don't get steady girlfriends in his mind. Nice of him to decide for me. But he wants to be close best friends. What? Yes....close best friends the same as we are not but with no affection/sex/pet names, etc. I think how much I will miss him but don't know if I am capable of close best friend status either. I had given up on finding anyone and was settling into loving my life and myself regardless of the fact that I was alone when I met him. I need to find that head space again.

hut 2 3 4

I saw the oddest thing last night. On my walk a woman I thought was talking on her cell phone and she I think she tucked it into her bra on speaker phone. But when we passed each other the voice sounded robotic so I thought maybe she had one of those automated voice "trainer" gizmos. It was weird.

Birthday Highlights

free cabin in Belfair
cross the street to the Hood Canal
oysters claim the beach
bubbles in the cabin
Napoleon Dynamite
tequila
Sideways
chocolate cinnamon cake
made by strong hands
snuggling, sex
and foot massages

The mountain looked like it had a light shining from the bottom up. It was glorius. It has been an emotional week. Last Friday was my bday and it wasn't the best and wasn't the worst one I ever had, nothing of note. Well some things, but I won't note them here.

Then the week came and everything from my wonderful dear coworker and an excellent teacher being laid off, basically - 2 people amazing workers, but low on seniority. Of course that happened the same day 2 teachers fainted when receiving acupuncture by an acupuncturist who has volunteered during teacher appreciation week 3 other years with no one fainting. Now the principal says no more acupuncture. Bummer. And more drama that I can't even get into here about work.

Most heartwretching of all was seeing one of the teachers who had a brain aneurysm. His wife brought him in for the Cinco de my Mayo assembly and it has been a little over a month since the aneurysm. He still has bleeding in the brain is going in for another high risk surgery. And I can't even describe other than that think hopefully as he is a fighter and when he hugged me it was a strong long hug, I hope I hope I hope he makes it through surgery, and comes out the other side. The kids need him, the family needs him, the school needs him, the community needs him.

I need some light right now it is all dark here in my world.

Feeling good

I went to the garden and cleared off the canvas bags and old water bottles from the small plot. Tomorrow if the weather holds I will weed. I did the belly dancing video tonight but it didn't feel like too much of a workout so I need to hit the gym tomorrow and the stairs if the weather holds. Caught up a bit with a good friend I haven't from in a while, and I love my friends. Hoping the boy is ok, as I haven't heard from him. He went to Tacoma to see his sister, and is usually back by now and safely with me. Harumph.

Sad

I feel really sad today. Maybe my garden will help.

Amanda Fucking Palmer

Sunday Morning

Lettuce Pray

For our ancestors
the Heirlooms and Butters
and not forget about our friends in Swiss
Chard or the Romaines,
Hear our prayer for the Bibbs
and the Mustards and Spicy's,
and those we at times forsake the Beets
As well as those in exile
on the sill
waiting to germinate,
We ask you please grant
these petitions.

Amen


I always pray for a healthy garden and end up about 50/50, maybe this will increase my odds! (And yes I was raised Catholic, and love probably still the beauty in the rituals or the singing - especially when young my dad and I would pinkie wrestle during prayers and compete in singing not the loudest, but audible to us.

Croatia/Serbs/Slavic

I went to the American Slavic Women's Group meeting this morning, as there was to be a presenter about the history of Yugoslavia. I had met Dr. Heikle - I am probably spelling that wrong - and she was discussing this at a cocktail party and we started talking about dictators and cultures and it was fascinating. Well it was her presentation unfortunately it had been bumped to September. So I sat at a table with a lot of nice older woman making small talk. It was pleasant. One woman I don't know her age, possibly mid - late 80s and wow it was just nice to be around a strong group of older woman. Working in a high school I am at the other end of the age bracket so this was absolutely wonderful.

My brain is a desert for fiction. I have been reading lots of non-fiction so off to browse in the library shelves...become the book....

The Hood Canal

I have never been to the Hood Canal and a parent at the school is letting me use a house her brother has for a while. It has 2 bedrooms and one bathroom and we are going on my birthday weekend. Yay!!!

Time

On July 6th it will be 11 years since my Mom passed. Yes I know mom is not capitalized, but although her name was Marcella to me her daughter her name was Mom. Do you know how many times I spelled that incorrectly? Lots, because in my child grown up mind mom was the proper respectful way to spell her name. After all I wrote Happy Mother's Day on many cards not Happy mother's Day or Get Well Mom, when she was sick, etc.

Anyway I still miss her. I don't cry anymore (ok sometimes) when I remember my sister feeding her scrambled eggs, or her yelling where her lemon meringue pie was that she had just asked for. Or how I didn't know she loved me until she was on her deathbed. I miss her and remember driving up to Mackinaw Island and being the youngest in a full car I sat up front between her and Dad and rested my head on her big cushy arms. Or how I faked sick and then showed off with sommersaults and she didn't get mad because she knew after spending all that time at school and being the youngest of eight that I just missed being with her. Most of my pleasant memories are from when I was younger, but when older she taught me how to shop. I am the only person I know who bought a brand spanking new top at Nordstroms for $2. and at the same time bought a lamp at a garage sale for $5. Lets just say we were retail shoppers not thriftstore, but I can haggle with the best of them even in retail stores. She always kept a poem about forgiveness on her bedroom mirror and beautful old perfume bottles. Her ring with birthstones for all her children were in the 2nd drawer under her nighties, cuz you can never be to careful. Her tamales rocked and my favorite was her chicken in tomato sauce and fidelo mmmmm yummmy. And as much as I have cut out carbs her flour tortillas still have me salivating just thinking of them. She had black hair that it took until her 60s to turn into that grey mixed with Mexican white. When she was young her figure was akin to Marilyn Monroes, but with a smaller waist. Yup she was a spitfire. And I will never forget my Dad telling the priest when we were preparing for her funeral that the priest that married them advised my Mom not to marry him because he didn't think he was good enough for her. Maybe that is why he worked so hard to be the provider, don't know, but that is another saga.

I love you Mom. I miss you Mom.

xoxoxcoxo

Change of season haikus for all sinus infection sufferers and allergy sufferers to rally around


Kleenex cover floor
snot packs my face, please more
antibiotics



antibiotcs
give me diarrhea, ugh
blow hurry then go

Phew

The epiphany is to remember what I learned from all the deaths in my family is that life is to short for drama, so I love you lovely niece, but all that drama can stay with you. As someone I knew once said, Save the drama for your mama!

Family dysfunction, thank God it is 2000 miles away, and the sad thing is I thought it was the "ok" one. Oh well!

lazy sort of Saturday

Somehow my home is magically being cleaned. Could it be my actually loading and starting the dishwasher? Or my using baking soda and vinegar on the sink...wait oh wait I hear the mop calling me. I must be under some kind of spell!

The Children Teach Us Again

I want to right a poem, but keep thinking of the word quiet and how overused is that?

Maybe instead:



boots on packed dirt
dogs barking
speeding past my turtle pace

trees and stone command attention
navigating through shades of brown
birds spotted above the treeline

huddled over plates
wind returns a plate of field greens
to the field

calves clamor for attention
oil in his hands takes away the pain
kissing into the night

Cloudy

I sooooooo do not want to go work out today. As in really really really really really really really really don't want to go. But I am paying probably 1/4 of what the other people are paying my trainer so I have to go. It is our deal we worked out, I have to be committed, and I am not talking an asylum. I am trying to get some energy going there, but honestly think the weather/season changes has my head so cloudy I just can't my energy going.

ugh.

Sunny Saturdays

I feel so good. Yesterday am, productive then lazy. Back in bed around 10am, then up for walk and stairs around 11:30am. Aaron comes back from his workout. I am watching Adventureland, he makes me a turkey sandwich, and a big glass of water. Then he gives me a foot massage. Later we go meet Amy and Alex who are becoming new friends. Alex is a multi-discipline artist - writer/photographer.. his photos are great, I can't wait to read his work. Amy is a super cool sort woman who I met through work. She ran track for 12 years so likes to do park walks and they both love food, oh and are just fun people to talk to. I think Aaron and Alex might go see the new Freddy Krueger movie together when it comes out- boys! Amy and I will check out something else, not our thing. I guess it won't be out for a while so not really sure about that, but it sounds like a fun idea. Anyway we went to Hidden Lake past Shoreline where the Frank Lloyd Wright house is, very cool. I wore my new hiking boots and even though I hit the water once no wet feet. Yay!

Then we went to grab a snack (Whole Foods salad bar, still being good)and came home. We were going to go to the glass blowing/art competition/extravaganza thingee at one of the studios downtown, but felt old and tired. Instead he gave me another foot massage (plantar fascitus- don't ya know) and watched Angel.

What a lovely day. Oh and we saw the cutest ducks on the lake. They had black heads with big white spots almost a white head actually. Very cool. Sunny Sunday, think I will work on the garden today, Aaron has to go ---oh no daylight savings time, spring forward....got to go can't be late.

sickly glitter-white stalk
Jade leaves on a diet
atrophied limb
like today's chickens
unable to support their own weight
new growth
somehow
new growth
firm solid leaves
flourish when freed from the host

hmmm

Beautiful sunny day, happy about many things and very frustrated about one. Argh :)

Thursday

Ok it is Friday now and I am exhausted. Certainly not in the mood for snuggling maybe later. Work is just exhausting these days, it is how many balls can I keep in the air.

Today the nurse just told me a teacher wanted to start our Healthy Losers again which means they will want me to spearhead, and I am working with my trainer and while I may participate I plan on saying no to organizing. I am already because of my own doing starting a health fair, right smack in graduation time. Who is the stupid secretary? Ok more like who is the secretary who doesn't want to be bored at her job. Luckily they indulge me. I just started reading Spark and it now has me wanting to track starting next year, student stores after PE class. Such amazing insight into how the brain and body are connected. So much that our sedentary lives are actually are basically allowing our brains to almost decompose. Crazy. Definitely made me go for my walk tonight. Not even out of a should, more of a damn, I want to be able to think and reason and not be on unnecessary medicine.

Ok, hmmm think I will go read now.

Friday

It feels like Friday. I want it to be Friday. I want to have my honey at home and cuddle up in bed and go to bed early and not have to work for a full weekend. But no it is Thursday. Not Friday. I know Friday is tomorrow, but I want it to be now.

Peas please

My peas are getting so big. Unfortuately they are still inside. I suspect they will start climbing up the kitchen window border. A friend told me her peas used the corn stalks they were planted by as a trellis. Aaron and I are building a new frame. Then I have to get some new soil in as the old soil had some kind of disease that ruined my broccoli and zuchinni last fall. Hopefully there will be a small respite from the rain for our framing project this weekend. Fingers crossed!

Outrageous!

Aaron had his hearing at the library today. In addition to having a description 15 years his junior he apparently was scene with a "Caucasian" woman. And although they are going to let his exclusion expire early as they have absolutely no proof of supposed missing items (and he also doesn't reshelve the materials properly, hmmm aren't librarians paid to do that?) he was advised to warn said "Caucasian" woman that I am being watched now in the library. Really. Really? Really.

Lets just say I sent an email to the library representative indicating the correct date - January 2nd when I was using a Greenlake library computer because my monitor had expired and I was checking Craigslist for free monitors. Let's see I think I was in there for 15- 20 minutes. Um at the computer. So when did I steal something, must have been mindreading, because instead of searching for a monitor I was probably casing the place. Basically I asked the representative to advise me if the warning -oh after I advised her I was not a "Caucasian"- is serious, because it sounds like defamation of character and I will contact my lawyer if I need to. And yes I will. Because I hate scare tactics and bullies and I will not be bullied!

In his absence I will bite the habenero and chew with dry eyes. And that is not the
only time I have dined on fire.

They have my Latina fire raging and who doesn't love a good fire.

Angela is on a bender of art, you have to check out her blog. Her latest pieces seem to hover and float. I love her work.

It is a good thing Aaron and I have close to the same eyeglass prescription, because he has mine on this morning, but is meditating so I will just wear his!

A depressing start looking at my credit union and credit card balances to find out where I am going to get gas money. But there are people with less so it will all work out.

Last night I dreamt that my cousin Mary came over as though she was just lived down the street as opposed to being my sister's backyard neighbor in Ann Arbor, MI. (hmmm maybe these are my glasses they just feel like somebody elses.)Anyway she brought over some stuff to cook up, and kitchen gifts and then my sister - yup the one from Ann Arbor popped up at the door. She joined in. And I thought ok, I guess there rift is over as they were chatting away, I notice Aaron sandwiched at the counter between me and my cousin and told him go put some pants on. And that makes me laugh, because I can just hear my mom's voice telling my dad, Fernando go put on a shirt when someone was coming to the door. See dad was usually working outside without a shirt on or cleaning up something or working on a car so it meant change shirts. Eventually he could sometimes be heard, oh better go put a shirt on. Anyway I digress. Somehow we ended up at the end of park trail and I found this beautiful altar at the side corner of a house. Apparently the family built if for their four year old who had died. It sort of had one dollhouse room done in stone and then right next to it some miniture stone sculptures. All of a sudden Merci (my sister) and Mary were leaving. Then Aaron and I were driving down a street I suspect in Ann Arbor trying to find where they lived.

That is it. All I remember. Looks like a nice morning for a walk, so going to head out for that now.

This little piggy

Since mid January at the doctor for ear and throat. Within 2 weeks back for back pain, within a week for heel pain. Into February with the heel pain, then a couple weeks later a bug check and now a pelvic pain. This little piggy is running out of money for co-pays!

Believe it or not

I actually had to go to the doctor to have her tell me yes I have bug bites not scabies or some other weird human flea thing. Now after catching four little bugs and putting them in rubbing alcohol in a container on my outside ledge the exterminators will come out, pick up the container and call me. Can we please just get a spray going on here.

I am staying at Aaron's which is a small cluttered home and am very appreciative as it is bugfree. I think I slept for 5 hours last night as opposed to the 2 the night before when I would bound out of bed and grab the vacuum and suck up the bugs.

I am pretty sure whatever little critter it is it is coming from the vents. My landlady generously keeps her home warm and makes sure my place is warm with these vents, but can I have the heat without the bugs please?

Fleas maybe

Ok, still not sure what the bug is. Maybe fleas. Tiny little suckers eating my fingers and toes for a 9course meal. My landlady is going to call a bug guy tomorrow, one more nights of bugs. Yup I rewashed all my sheets and comforter and went to put them on the bed and there it was I think a flea. I don't know I just know it is tiny. It sat there waiting and hopping off before I could vaccuum it up. One more night of bugs. Tomorrow I will stay at Aaron's and possibly until it is taken care of, this is ridiculous!

Hmmm I think my renter's insurance might cover housing so I should get a check while staying at Aaron's that will of course help cover the cost of all the bug spray and anti-itch cream and pillow and mattress casings. Argh!

Found

I found tiny little bugs/mites in the couch so vaccumed them up yesterday. Still spraying the floor, couch and vaccuming 2 - 3 times a day. During the process of cleaning the couch I got 2 more bites. I wanted to get rid of that couch anyway, I think this might just be expediting the removal.

In spite of those critters, the day was great. A couple months agoa Amy who I met at work, we went from talking about working out to about appetizers and food. So Aaron and I had them over. She told me they are vegetarians, but with some exceptions, and basically they are what I call conscientious eaters. They only eat animals that are treated well and have had a good life. They buy meat from a farm in Skagit Valley and prefer to go to the farm, but occassionally will go to their stand at the Ballard Farmers' Market. So Alex made ribs. Aaron and Alex made stuffed mushrooms oh and Aaron made some broccoli (I thought we needed something green). I made a flourless chocolate cake with some high end chocolate, and fresh whipped cream. It turned out marvelously. What a delightful time with great conversation about books, and home towns, and different experiences and events. It was joyful.

Here is the cake recipe originally from Gourmet magazine. And if truth be told I love this recipe for it's few ingredients, and easiness factor, it always works.

Flourless Chocolake Cake
8 oz quality bittersweet chocolate, roughly chopped (I have only ever used Sharffen Berger for this cake and will only ever Scharffen Bergeruse for this cake.)
2 sticks unsalted butter, cut into pieces
1 1/2 cups sugar
6 eggs
1 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

Preheat oven to 350degrees.
Grease 9or 10 in. springform pan, and line the bottom with wax paper (grease the liner)

In double boiler, melt chocolate and butter. Stir as needed. When completely melted remove from heat. Whisk in sugar. Add eggs one at a time. Mix well after each egg. Last whisk in cocoa pwoder until just combined.

Pour into pan and bake for 35 -40 minutes. Cool on rack fro 10 minutes.

Serve warm with whipped cream.

(for the really special occasion, cut a mold/design out of paper or waxed paper fit over finished cake and then sprinkle confectioners powder over)

Yay!

Night one, no new bites!

Thanks to my guy although very weary from his extremely physical job, he still came through helping me struggle with my mattress and boxspring. We were both weary and I of course was impatient and well the good new is no new bites this morning.

The sun is out physically and also in my heart. I am wearing seashells because it feels like a beach day. But it is still cold outside so wore socks and sneakers instead of sandals with my warm floating spring pants. Yay! Sun!!!!

Good night sleep tight DIE BED BUGS DIE!!

Yesterday, I had a few bites on one finger. Today I had a few more. Bed, Bath and Beyond, Bed Bug Death Spray and Mattress Suffocation Encasement here I come!
Die Bed Bugs Die...die bed bugs die!!!!

zzzzzz
shoooo
zzzzzzz
shoooooo
zzzzzzzzzzzz
shooo
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Wow!

What a day. I vaccumed some hard to reach spots, got the primroses planted. Swept the outside steps, took out the trash, emptied the dishwasher, washed and dried the sheets, blankets, pillows, a stuffed bear and a load of darks, worked out on the rowing machine, exercise bike and elliptical trainer, met a new friend Amy for hot cocoa - talked, talked, talked, and talked some more, bought some flowers, mopped part of the kitchen floor (have to do it in sections to be able to get to the washer/dryer)and am now ready for bed on my nice clean sheets! Met Market with a coupon had tulips two bunches for the price of one so I bought some for Aaron and I to share. This was kind of like a perfect day. I know spring is on its way, because that is when I am so productive. Less SAD and more active, glad and full of energy. I think I will take Thursday off too, and have a four day weekend. Thursday will give me a chance to finish what I started cleaning wise! YAY!!!

February 15th - WE ARE CLOSER NOW TO SPRING THAN WE ARE TO WINTER!!!

The peas are in their damp napkins, their soil pots are waiting. Tomato seeds hopefully in their pots by tonight.

Daffodils

When I turned 16 one of my best friends consciously had her birthday party on the date that I had chose to have mine. Now being the youngest of eight meant that I was spoiled, but only to a limit, and even I knew my parents would not outspend my friends parents. She came from Texas and was always competing to be best friends with one of my best friends, since apparently you can only have one. So I cancelled my party and watched as her parents gave her 16 red roses. I had told my mom and dad the exact gift was what I wanted. (I think we saw it on some teen flick around that time) so naturally on the actual day of my birthday (opposed to the convenient Sat night party)I received 16 daffodils. My dad thought this was a much better gift as daffodils make people smile. People ahhhh and ohhhh over roses, but daffodils light up a room. Of course I said thank you and that was about all (I was a very ungrateful child) and only now as an adult can agree. Yes daffodils are my favorite flower. Yes I have a yellow and purple rose bush in my Ppatch plot, but I love daffodils. They are so bright and yellow who doesn't love yellow. (Ok I am sure there are some people), but they genuinely do make people smile. Especially when you buy them unopened, cut their stems, put in water, go to bed and Wammo! a burst of sunshine in the morning. Yes. My fabulous boyfriend with an ear infection, strep throat, and an infected toe took the bus to two stores to try and find me daffodils for Valentine's Day. What a precious man. Since they are not out yet he bought me these gorgeous trio of lowers yellow ones, white ones and pink ones. I feel so lucky today. The sun is out and I am going to go for a walk. He had to work last night, and then we did a Buffy marathon (he never watched the series) then crashed. We plan to have a nice Valentiney celebration on Friday, when hopefully he is all better. In the meantime, today we have to hit the store to replace some clothes of his that were stole from the laundry room. I'd like to think they really needed them, but in his part of town you never know. Ok don't want to go there with all this talk of sunshine and daffodils so lets leave it there, I have a wonderful man who is daffodilicious who doesn't get to caught up in the Valentine's hype and I love that!

Blown Away

Ok so now without any proof and giving a description of someone around 30 with black hair the library is trying to exclude my guy from using the library for a year for stealing books. Ok. I am not naive. This is a man who has made sandwiches for the homeless, housed people in recovery, fought for equal rights for women and gays in a previous workplace, oh and hmmm put some information out about local police corruption. Not exactly a thief. He has requested a hearing. And if need be we retain litigation. This is insane. Here is this completely underemployed man, although still lucky enough to be working 2 - 3 shifts a week, who used the library for solace, a place to think and scavage for music he always wanted to check out. Yes he is a bus commuter and tends to carry big bags with him, lets see I think the contents equate to something like: water bottles, sweatshirt/coat in case the weather changes, usually something he has found for me- card/ear wraps/etc., and yes books, either his own or ones clearly marked from the Seattle Public Library that he has checked out.

Coincidentally enough the exclusion is supposed to be until January 8th. And right around that time the guy who I term a bum who Aaron finally kicked out of his house after he let people in on New Years Eve/Day and completely trashed, broke, and stole stuff. The guy met him in the same neighborhood the library is that issued the exclusion and met him I am guessing around January 6th or 7th. Of course it may not be him. He has had problems with the police targeting him ever since he tried to make some corruption known. So this could get ugly.

Either way it is a sad statement to think the library can exclude someone from using it without one piece of evidence or proof. Naomi Wolfe and End of America are so frighteningly right, a closed society here we come. Thanks for having some balls Obama.

Geez.

try again different topic

It always surprises me when people in or around my life disappoint me.

Earlier I mentioned a poet who I knew about a decade ago and how she passed. She lived as a free spirit and really didn't let other people's stuff get in her way. I admire that. When she passed I thought the people who organized her fundraiser might host a memorial. And they did a private one. So yeah, I am hurt that I was good enough to hit me up for money for her, which I don't regret and wish I could have given more, but wasn't good enough to invite to her send off so to speak. I guess I should just be grateful they let me know her situation. And I have had enough death in my life to understand grief. And I have her button pictures on the window ledge. I need to move one to the outer ledge so she can be out in the world as well as checking in on things.

I had a hairdresser - do they still use that word, a stylist perhaps cutting my hair after my dad died. And he had what I call a good death. After taking him off life support he lasted for 10 days in a coma. A friend said he is just taking his time and saying goodbye to everyone. I like that, it still makes me tear up. Anyway the hairdresser was shocked at my vibrant nature and asked "aren't you mourning" I said well I guess you could say I am more celebrating the life he lived.

He was in his 80s and Gabrielle was in her 40s so doesn't feel like much of a celebration. But like I said she lived by her own rules, and that is honorable. And whatever feelings I have about her and her passing are mine and are ok. Just a little bump in the road.

Well I need to find out if I need to feed the parking meter or if I can go work out. Have a good day everyone.

Wild

Ok, I am at Aaron's using his computer and his keyboard hates me. It just wiped out everything I wrote. I HATE THIS KEYBOARD!!!!

I kind of feel like Anonymous Girl 5 (Angela Simione's piece). At least I can write with my hands, but there is nothing like a good scream. Or even a whisper.

Spasms

So almost better. I only had about 5 minutes of back spasms during the day, then just a dull pain. Then in the evening had a couple more. The kicker was when at Whole Foods with the boy and had a major one. I was ready to drop everything and go home of course we didn't and checked out. I went home and grabbed the ice pack while I took my other medicines before taking my major painkiller, because I don't like to put all those drugs in my system at once.

Yet here I am dulled by 600mg of Ibuprofen going to a minor work out after my job. Then going home to ice and heat again!

Blogging

I just love Angela's blog. She writes how I feel so many times. Click on the Shape of Secrets at the left.

I hate being in pain. I felt ok Sunday and then Monday sitting at my desk job for 8 hours, almost put my back to the state it was in Friday. I spent 3 hours alternating heat and ice and could only walk 2 blocks after wincing in pain. Hopefully a call into the doctor will allow for something during the day as my painkiller is strictly for before going to bed, cuz after it makes me all dopey it then knocks me out.

I shouldn't complain though, my sister just had a hysterectomy and the surgery went fine. But having one of my ovaries out had me in a constant awareness/state of pain for 3 days. I had an amazing caretaker (in the hands of a good friend and her nanny) so healed nicely.

Oh well send Xanex thoughts... or Valium energy, anything that helps me move.

Pain

So I was stepping out of the shower and pulled something. I have a pain in my left sides around my back. The first thing I thought was Oh no another cyst. The next thing I thought was Oh no appendicidis. Both my mom and sister had appendix isssues and had them removed in their early 40s. Ugh. I understand it causes a lot more pain than what I imagine I have going on so positive thinking. Everyone cross their fingers it doesn't turn out to be that.

Weird

It was the library police. But they are normally alerted by the librarian and the librarian was trying to tell them they had the wrong guy, but the library police wouldn't listen. Great. So much for safe havens.

It Continues

So Aaron in his past tried to get a company to remove asbestos from a work area, was labeled a trouble maker, and basically driven to a stress level that would have fell a horse. Then being a naive soul who had seriously no parents to impart wisdom, put up several notices about seeing a cop accept a bribe. Oh yeah, he actually signed his full name on these. Now his life is difficult. Today in what many of us see as one of the safest refuges around a cop (still trying to confirm SPD or Library security) advised him that whenever he is in the library more items are stolen from the library. The description worked off us was black hair, and then they had a wrong date of birth on whatever information they had. The librarians tried to speak up, because yes he is an avid library user. And when a bus broke down and he was stuck waiting for another lost a huge book with a huge price and has been making payments to the library every week. So yes a guy who makes payments on a book that he lost and told them about, does that sound like a theif to you. I can't imagine his life. He has had a girl set him up who decided she was mean to his friend and after spending time in jail/holding cell the police realized the girl was crazy and let him go. Apparently she had done the same thing to a business man with money who let them know her story. And yes I do believe rape/abuse happens, I know Aaron and I also know there are sick people out there either not taking their medicine or not on the right medicine. I just wish my guy who writes Congress weekly who has taken in quite literally an alcoholic homeless bum who he thought would change, to helping another couple (all this in a studio apt.)who he helped find housing. This is absolutely absurd and something needs to be done, when the library gets involved with false accusations we are in serious trouble. I expect it from the corporations police and politicians, but come on the library. Crazy.

I must have really missed my guy last night, because I woke up sleeping at an angle, practically horizontal across the bed. Guess I was looking for him. Bummer.

I wish my big bear was hear to sleep tonight. Good night world.

Thoughts

My sister goes in for surgery in a few days. She is getting rid of her vital lady parts. She has two kids, and is a great mom I hope everything goes ok. Gabrielle's passing has me mildly wanting to visit Michigan, but brrr not during winter. And she has a whole group or people to care for her so not necessarily (ok no matter how I change the letters around this word looks spelled wrong)worried about her. It is interesting. I miss the sense of community from the poetry world I had been so active in a decade ago, but I left because of the drama. And when you lose a mom to ovarian cancer and then 3 months later have a brother murdered you really get that don't want the drama theme in my life. Sad though, some of those poets are so funny and brought great laughter in my life. Now most readings are so late, I am not sure I could stay awake for them! I still have poets and artists in my life. And a great guy. And a beautiful place to hang my hat. My life is rich, even if I am in debt. I think the sun is hiding behind the clouds today, and making a nice bright cloud glare. Unless you live climatically someplace like Seattle you just don't understand cloud glare is really a good thing. That is if the sun isn't out. Daffodils, I can't wait for daffodils. They are usually out by now in the grocery stores, but I have not found any yet. I hope Monsanto doesn't get ahold of them. I need my daffodils today.

The now full angel...

Gabrielle Bouliane - "When You Hear That I Have Died, Think Of This"Share
Today at 12:28pm
Gabrielle had this read on her behalf at iWPS this past fall.
i find it even more fitting now.
Bunny Up, friends!
love you all.

************

When you hear that I have died, think of this.

Think of cool nights breezes while you walk to meet your friends for a beer on a Thursday. Think of waking up in flannel sheets on a snowy morning and kissing someone you love. Think of hung-over diner breakfasts and the best cup of coffee in the world. Think of the sound of tires on seamed highways while you travel, think of French kissing and leather jackets and push-up bras and bourbon, think of the joy of hard work with friends. Then think of me.

Not sad, not the melancholy solitude of empty skies, but the full days and crowded bars and signed contracts, a smile too big for my face, remember I said I stay busy enough to fit three lives into one. When you hear that I have died, know that I want laughter, and dancing, real dancing, to music that makes you move without thinking, you’re wearing boots and jeans and a great t-shirt and wondering if the girl at the edge thinks you’re cute. And you motherfuckers had best DANCE, none of this bullshit rock-nod hands-in-the-pockets shoegazer nonsense, no, make an ass out of yourself, feel your hips, kick off the high heels and sway on the shoulder of a stranger, when I die, you’d better be laughing your ass off on sidewalks, eating deliciously unhealthy food, drinking shots and tipping your bartender well no matter how much money you make.

And Adam has to read the poem he wrote, and Laura, and June, and Scott Carpenter has to play “Don’t Go Away, Chloe”, no fuck that, every musician I’ve ever made out with or videotaped or road-tripped with has to play, so drink some coffee, baby, it’s gonna be a long night. When you hear that I have died, the best thing you can do is to get laid that night with a comfortable stranger, use my story to get their sympathy, and when you kiss them for the first time, think of me then.

When you hear that I have died, and you will, remember your best revenge is to live well, take risks, save up money and chase your perfect happiness. Beat the system and learn to make your art really support you, craft into something your audience can’t live without. Then make the world an even slightly better place -- stop throwing your cigarettes on the ground, vote in the next election, graffiti your life on the eyes of the hungry.

Then just do me one last favor. Please. Love something. Anything. Start with yourself, but find passion in everything, from an apple pie to a novel, make a family, get a degree, walk whatever path is yours with your chin up and feet planted firmly. Have the best stories to tell in the old folk’s home, about lifelong friendships and epic love affairs, about the time you lost everything and yet found yourself happier than when you began.. and remember that time we got in SO much trouble...

Poets.. remember. This is the story that never ends. When one of us leaves, another walks through the door. The pages turn, the sun keeps rising. All you can do in the meanwhile.. is to speak for yourself. Raise your voice high, tell your story, join hands against the dark and sing our souls to the sky. Know the best in me comes from the best in you, that as you tell your story, you will be telling mine, and our lives will be linked together forever, and everyone who hears you will become a part of the change we make.

So when you hear that I have died..
just ….live.

-Gabrielle Bouliane

Rest in peace love and laughter

Much love to you Gabrielle. I asked Mom,Dad and Tony to look out for you. I am sure you can all laugh and have a beer together.


from Caringbridge.org

Family,

Our friend Gabrielle died today, January 29th, 6:03 CST under hospice care at Christopher House. She was surrounded by family and friends, peaceful, and not in pain.

Gabrie​lle's parents, family, and friends wish to express their gratitude for the enormous outpouring of support that has been shown over the past weeks.

Keep an eye out for further information re: memorial service and other events.

Bunn​y up, y'all.

More weirdness

Generally speaking I don't like the word weird, but dang what is playing out in my sleep is just weird. I won't bore you with the details. School classroom, previous teacher, math of all things. Yikes. Gotta (another one of my least favorite words - got) wonder what is going on!!!

zzzz

More dreams this time I had to deliver a package to 14th Ave S. The same street as where the fundraiser was, but in a city like Vancouver, B.C. For some reason I knew it was B.C, but not se what city. So I was on a roll going from 16th to 15th Ave S. going downhill toward a body of water. Yes, the body of water came up before 14th Ave S. And yes the street was across the body of water. I know I know it would not have been a South address if it was across the water, but hey it was a dream.

Bunny up

I am writing this letter on line because we (her friends) can only send her positive thoughts and wishes.

Dear Gabrielle,

I am sorry you are sick. I hate cancer. I need my superheroine to find the most skilled surgeon in the universe and remove that inoperable tumor. I wonder if he/she would if you had money. If you weren't poor maybe the prognosis would have been better. In the economic climate these days who knows. You are a poor outspoken liberal artist you taught us to embrace the hippie in all of us through generosity and love.

Let me sign off with Tim Sanders' "Dirty" Haiku for you:

Overalls come off
Dive into the summer squash
Naked gardening

I love you Gabrielle. Bunny Up.

Poetry love

Prior to this year I was the Poetry Club advisor at a local high school. As my role at work changed I had to give that up this year, but one of the kiddies read a poem to me that I have to share. She gave me permission to post it here.

Untitled
dedicated to the Asian lady who owns the corner shop by where I live.

I used to think my brain didn’t function right. Was I imagining things or was I really listening to all of these stereotypes? Why is it that every time I step into your Asian hair products store I need a tour guide? Did your really need to fallow me everywhere? Your eyes were glued to me like I was a celebrity. Every step I took you took with me. Every word I spoke you listened closely, while of course still keeping your eyes on me and observing me like I was a specie from another planet. DAMN IT! Maybe I should just walk around with my hands up so that we could both feel a little bit more comfortable, you would know where I was and finally understand that just because I was young and black didn’t mean I was going to steal anything. In fact why would I waste all of this potential that I have to steal your stupid container of bee’s wax? Perhaps, I would be more happy to have you keep your eyes off me, but most importantly I would love for you to stop thinking so damn ignorantly. I understand that people steal things sometimes but don’t make any generalization about me because I’m not like everybody. Some believe that racism in America has ended because we have a black president, for those of you who believe that please think again. I’m not here to give you a lecture about blacks in America because they already have that show on CNN. What I’m trying to prove to you individuals is that black is not a trend. It’s not easy doing something as simple as walking in to a store without getting generalized, rationalized, and categorized. People please understand that I am not here to raise my hand and fight the power because that has already been done. I’m here to just speak on my opinions about racism, stereotypes and maybe I’m going a bit to fast for you and none of this makes sense just because I used to think that my brain didn’t function right.

by S. L.

Home

So tired. Long day gone at 6:30am home at 9pm. Ugh. Open house. Smile for the families..home home home, bed bed bed...

Good Morning

Good Morning Aaron, Rebecca, Gabrielle, Angela, Merci, Tim, Oliver, Deanna, Joni, Mark, Kiddies, Workerbees, Friends of Past/Present/Future, WORLD

GOOD MORNING WORLD

I started a new piece last night filled with holy water, skin y mas. It is churning.
Churning Churning Churning.

like butter....hehehe

Drive

You cannot go forward looking in a review mirror.
Biggest Loser Contestent

Listen to Gabrielle

Word

I just received word that an old poetry friend is near death. The old scenesters are getting together for a fundraiser and to celebrate her life. If you know Gabrielle Bouliane and want more information please let me know. It is funny I remember and can hear her laugh. We did not see eye to eye on everything, but we had good talks and good meals and shared spoken word. It was timeless back then as I am sure her memory will be.

Return to Sender

I have to go back to work tomorrow. My tonsil I believe has returned to its normal size and my ear may or may not be better. The medicine was ok outside of needing to breath was worse than the illness.

I have not been at work since last Tuesday. I want a real week off where I have time to work out, and walk and cook beautiful foods. Where I get to know my body again and clean my home from washing the windows to mopping the floors. I want to return from a walk and collapse into the lemony fresh clean smell.

But tomorrow I go to work. I have my breakfast and lunch packed. (Aaron actually got a bunch of salad, salmon, chicken and pork leftover from some event so he sponsored dinner tonight, lunch tomorrow and a few more meals outside of that) My clothes laid out. My parking ticket - I hate fucking belltown - ready to mail.

I just keep thinking of getting out of debt so I have to work. And that sucks. My true work suffers. My body suffers. And I am tired.

Sunday

Quiet Sunday. Nothing to say today.

Fucking freaking mcfreaks in belltown and capital hill i hate those neighborhoods.

Grrr Credit card companies

Little Girls Can Do Big Things

Leave Organic food alone!

Courtesy of Move On and the Food and Water Watch:

The U.S. Dept of Agriculture is closer to approving Monsanto's genetically engineered (GE) alfalfa, despite the fact that it's likely to contaminate other crops, including organic alfalfa. Almost all organic dairies are dependent upon organic alfalfa, and organic standards don't allow the use of GE crops. Tell the USDA to preserve organic and reject GE alfalfa.The USDA has studied the possible contamination issues with this perennial grass. They admit there could be problems, but claim they don't know if the contamination of organic alfalfa would matter to consumers of organic food. This is ridiculous, since avoiding genetically engineered ingredients is one of the biggest reasons people seek out organic foods.We need to tell the USDA loud and clear that consumers want foods that are free from genetic engineering. Tell the USDA that consumers do care, and they should reject genetically engineered alfalfa.
http://action.foodandwaterwatch.org/p/dia/action/public/?action_KEY=2027

Where to begin

Now outside of my swollen tonsil and fluid on the ear both non-contagious Aaron is sick with a lousy cold and has his eye shut probably from stress. I hope he is well enough to go to Tacoma to get him out of the city. That always helps his stress. I wish he had parents that told him when you speak up for the right thing with the wrong people there is a chance that those people will squash you. He still would have spoke up, and that is why I love him. Anyone out there send stress free vibes his way please.

Grace Paley

I think this writer is amazing.


Here and Somewhere Else
Stories and Poems
2x2

Here

Here I am in the garden laughing
an old woman with heavy breasts
and a nicely mapped face

how did this happen
well that's who I wanted to be

at last a woman
in the old style sitting
stout thighs apart under
a big skirt grandchild sliding
on off my lap a pleasant
summer perspiration

that's my old man across the yard
he's talking to the meter reader
he's telling him the world's sad story
how electricity is oil or uranium
and so forth I tell my grandson
run over to your grandpa ask him
to sit beside me for a minute I
am suddenly exhausted by my desire
to kiss his sweet explaining lips.

Grace Paley

Malaise

I feel such malaise right now. I just read a facebook status from someone from highschool who said put this on your status bar about supporting the troops for an hour and if you don't support the troops then stand in front of them. So now we don't have room for opinions and open dialogue. Funny that is what some of the vets fought for, freedom of opinions. As a matter of course I do support our troops, but also know murder intimately and don't know what the fuck we are still doing over there Obama. What the hell. I really am beginning to think he is more of a puppet than Bush. Just look at AIG I mean Geitner, what the hell. Of course I had that dialogue a long time ago with a very informed friend who has the great fortune of being well off enough to retire in his forties. He doesn't live extravagantly and manages his money well and he has time to be up on politics, city local and yes world. (rather than federal lets start saying world because I think we sometimes forget that is what we are a part of and that our national actions do influence the world). Ugh. Feel icky and that post just made me feel worse. The medicine has horrible side effects and on that note I am off to the bathroom again...

All In My Head

Well kind of, I have fluid in my right ear and a swollen right tonsil. Maybe I will bust out the watercolors and paint what I imagine that to be. I love to paint it amuses me so. Not that I actually paint on a regular basis or anything, but my previous masterpieces always make me laugh.

I hope the medicine works fast so I don't have to miss the reading tonight. Although I am supposed to be resting and drinking lots of fluids. But if Aaron drives us then all I am doing is sitting and listening. It kind of depends on if I still feel conscious of my breathing. Oh well.

Yowsa

50 minutes. I did the treadmill for 50 minutes today. At around 42 I had trouble breathing, and now a couple hours later my ears are popping. I think my workouts might be letting my ear infection that I have felt building come into play. I hope not. Maybe a real night's sleep will help.

Tomorrow Filipino Art event, cannot wait. Amazing writers/readers at Seattle University, 7pm and it is free. Aaron and I are going to the gym first, me just a 30 minute work out and then grabbing dinner and then head up to the event.

YAY!!!

Love Bomb

ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOU
ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOU
ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOU

I love my boyfriend.

I love Aaron. I was watching Biggest Loser. It was the show where the doctor discuss all the reality involved with extra weight. I don't want to be a burden on Aaron or anyone else. I don't want to be on high blood pressure medicine, but have had borderline high blood pressure since high school so may not be able to do anything about that one. However I can get off the diabetes medicine. I hope I can stick to this plan. Aaron and I are going to work out on Thursday. He is going to meet me at the gym. I am going tomorrow. I am going tomorrow. I am going tomorrow. I will do 45 minutes on the treadmill. I will do 45 minutes on the treadmill. I will do 45 minutes on the treadmill.

And tonight in my sleep I will survive Giant People Eating Dragons and Worms and run off any burglers.

The end.

Dream.... dream dream dream dream dreammm

I had a dream that in one spot so maybe it was two dreams I was walking with others along a ruptured highway. I was hurrying as there was a schoolbus on its side and we me and a lot of other people were trying to see if the children were ok.
Jump forward to being in a fancyschmancy hotel that was more like a condo. It had one of those voice activated butlers and I remember waiting for someone or something that I was supposed to be doing and the butlers voice decided I should take a bath so I was like sure why not. So the automated system was filling the tub while my clothes were dropping to the floor and something made me go into the living room where there was a guy who had just walked into the room. He was a burgler, and somehow I didn't have a towel, but a cardigan lengthwise covering me. I was yelling at him Get out, Get out of here. He looked at the cardigan and told me to just relax. I kept yelling get out, and yelling to the automated butler thingee to help and that there was a burgler in my room. No answer. So he ran out the door, and I ran out behind him, knocking on doors with no one answsering as I wanted someone to call the front desk of the hotel to report the burgler and send security. He dodged down the stairwell as another guest was coming up the stairs I sort of nudged her out of the way and told her to go to her room and call for help because he was a burgler. Then I waited a minute after the door closed and opened it up and he was waiting behind the door. I yelled GET OUT again and started chasing him down the first two steps and he climbed out the window and shimmied up or down the brick wall that sort of had ladder like insets into it.

What is going on with my dreams?

Laughter

I woke up this morning and could tell it was a day I would need laughter so:

The 50foot Jesus that almost beheaded Aaron
Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Little Miss Sunshine
Farts that sound like duck quacks


That will have to do for now.

Soups On

This recipe is courtesy of my ex - the mycologist Guy

Shitake mushrooms - a lot
spinach - sliced in thin strips
sesame oil
broth, chix or vege
cheese crumbles, mix it up make once with feta, another time with blue, etc.


Saute mushrooms or actually cook in the oven drizzled with sesame oil until done.

Heat the broth. When heated add the spinach. Give the spinach time to soften 2 - 3 minutes. Add the mushrooms.

Ladle into your favorite soup mug. Add a small amount of cheese crumbles. You don't want to overtake the mushroomy broth just add another hint/layer of flavor.

This goes nicely with a non- saltine cracker, more of a rich butter or grainy cracker.

oops - Guy normally puts a lot of garlic in sauteed after the mushrooms, I forgot to and I think maybe only 1-2 cloves.

Smiles in the morning

A just farted twice and it sounded like a duck quacking. HA! Good laugh in the morning. He has had this crud since Christmas on and off and it just leaves him tired. I ran some errands yesterday, but mostly we just watched hmmm More Tales of the City, The Green Dragon, More Tales of the City, and the Gran Turino. Aaron doesn't care for the Gran Turino, thinks it is too heavy handed, and the Christlike ending is over the top. I looked at it as entertainment. And unfortunately I think there are still some places in Michigan where yes they still talk like Wally. But the darlings of the show were Sue and Thao. He said he has know racist but even they don't talk like that. I thought, hmmm super small town in Michigan in a van over one of the high school breaks with a friend visiting her cousings drinking and making myself as small as possible hoping they don't notice I am Mexican because they have just trashed and threatened every race except of course the White is Right club. I didn't hold it against my friend and was too young and in way to remote a place to not be afraid of whatever else lurked out there...and now the scary part is that yup they were my age. I don't remember if the van was gray, but it feels like it.

Dictionary.com

Sniggle verb (used without object) 1. to fish for eels by thrusting a baited hook into their lurking places. –verb (used with object) 2. to catch by sniggling.


Dang, it already exists. I still like mine better which means to linger. The cold sniggled for weeks.

Oh well.

Sniggle

I think I just made up a word - sniggle - and I like it.

Mejor

I think I feel better. Too soon to tell. My bed is under this heater that is from the main house. And my wonderful landlady (seriously) pours on the heat in the am and pm and it seems like every 3 minutes there is a full on minute of hot air coming out. Hence the soar throat. Yes I am one of the many Americans with less than the average size sinus cavity and also still a snot nose kid with equals to breathing through my mouth at night. Breathing hot dry air. Sore throat. Yuck. But I feel better today. I feel rested. And clear. How odd. Even somewhat with a sense of energy. This sensation has been lost for a bit so am scared to overdo it and end up back in bed in oh say 15 minutes. But I did start the dishwasher. Yay me!

Sore throat

Last night I had a dream that there were giant dragons and worms with mouths that were attacking the city. I ran in different neighborhoods of the city from something that looked like the woods around the railroad tracks by Golden Gardens to some unknown building location. It was a total Japanese Godzilla movie style dream. There were people running everywhere, and the animals found their pray by movement. Giant motion sensors that ate top down. For some reason a person could hug a tree and the monsters couldn't detect you. But you had to more than hug the tree you had to become one with it, basically fuck the tree. I remember wrapping my legs and arms around the trunk of this giant palm tree and watching a monster eat someone about 50 feet in front of me who sort of slid into the tree to wrap himself around to late. The dragon's mouth went straight down ate the tree and the person. One of the dragons skulked right by me when I was wrapped around the tree. Safe temporarily. My friends were killed. I yelled to them to be still, but they were laughing and playing like it was a joke. Then I remember running with strangers to find the next hiding place or monster free zone. Look out Zombieland the giant worms and dragons are coming!

I figure any screaming I did in my dream must have given me the sore throat I have tonight. I have gargled with warm salt water and had chicken soup. Going to bed now and sleeping hoping I wake up better.

Diabetes

Sucks!

I am reading a book about the glycemic/insulin functions of the body and it is actually well written and appears to be factual. My blood sugar was higher than normal tonight and the book indicated that a 20 minute walk will lower insulin 1000 pts or mili something, I don't remember that, so I went for a 20 minute walk. My blood sugar was 95 when I got home. Amazing. Under a 100 is great. So just got to keep it up. Thanks Jennie what a great Xmas gift.

Abe Vigoda

Does anyone remember when the cop shows had the men dress up as women, mostly as prostitutes. I can't help but remember Fish and Deitrich on Barney Miller, in their big blousy dresses, and how funny they played their parts. It wasn't sexist then or inpolitically correct just simple humor. Sometimes I miss that.

Attempt 1

My journal was hiding today. Wrapped up in a bed of blankets. I guess depending on what I think of this maybe it should have stayed hid!

Resolution

lit charcoal
under my skin
above my elbow
fire travels
to my wrist
an eyebrow itch
my right hand reaches
the searing moves up
stopping the scratch
a marshmallow burns
crackeled black
stringy goo
white molten skin
brown to the eye.
Marta Sanchez

Bummer

My monitor blew up yesterday, at the library again. Dang. Hope to get a free one off of craigslist, but ready to just buyu a new one. Dang I hate using the library computer. I have to keep nudging the guy next to me so he knows his mouse usage does not need to be right next to my keyboard. Ugh!!!

I forgot

One of the best things about the amazing paper store is this great journal I got in the clearance store. Journal being a fancy word for book with paper to WRITE in, and yes I have the writing bug. Yay!

2010

Happy New Year All!

The day from that last post actually turned into a good day, I went back to bed woke up around 10am, and maybe it was the resolve, I don't know, but it was a productive fun day. From going to a paper store - this amazing store with scrapbook stuff, and picking through the clearance section. I am getting ready to start my scrapbook of weight loss again. Anyway, after that I met my friend Karen who has been unemployed a long time, and she is a smart, hard worker the economy sucks. It was a good decision to buy her a chai something, whatever she drinks rather than spend the $10 on a manicure. Then Aaron came over later and we stayed up late enough for me to sneak his anniversary card on his pillow. Yup 12/31, New Years Eve is our anniversary.

Can you believe it? One year. We went to the St. James Handel's Roman Fireworks or something like that concert that started at 11pm. We got there around 10pm, found a great parking spot. I unfortunately ate something that had my liver on fire so had me rushing in the bathroom. Fortunately I had that feeling before we even set foot in the cathedral so Aaron got seats that yes as I made it back to my seat after the orchestra and singers were on stage, but I didn't miss any of the performance. Then about a minute or two before New Year's the music stopped and a bell started to toll.

And before you know it Happy New Year. Then two people walked around with these big I thought they were angels at first but then realized it was supposed to be Jesus sort of long ribbon kite thingies that kept swooping the heads of people. Of course just as Aaron whispered something to me about the hat removal, the woman started walking toward our section. Aaron was still making comments, and I was just watching, and when it was one row ahead of us it was set to nail Aaron in the face. I laughed so hard I cried. Now as yes we were in a church I laughed as silently as I could with my shoulders shaking and my head buried against Aaron's shoulder. The trio behind us then started laughing, and I said to Aaron what a better way to bring in the new year than with laughter. Fortunately I was able to regain my composure before the music started up again, ok, one 5 second relapse which let to Aaron then whispering about luckily not having any toupees removed. Yowsa. We left close to 12:30pm and since we were going toward where everyone was did not experience to much horrid traffic.

Got a little crowded around Fairfield and Mercer. Hope there were no accidents or fatalities last night or this morning. Aaron drove and that was a real treat for me. We decided next year even if it is New Year's Eve to stay in, unless of course The Dusty 45s which we found out were at the Tractor last night do two shows like they did at the tractor. We will be old boring farts and go to the early show and then come home safe and sound and celebrate at home.

Oh we also watched the Fisher King, which I think is a perfect movie for New Year's. We are still working out our Christmas traditions, but think we found our New Year's one.

And I completely forgot we worked out yesterday. That was my present to him a 3 month membership to the club I go to. He is supposed to get me there twice a week, and I will get myself there twice a week. It felt good to work out. Eating is coming along.

Yes, and now for some of the resolutions:

Lose 1-2 pounds a week
For January, track food once a week
Eat a minimum of one fruit and vegetable a day (when you work and cook for yourself there are so many non-vegetable options available at the store/fast food, etc.)- Revisit in March to increase amount

There are more, but I want to talk to my sweetie first before revealing them here.

Ok, Best of Laughter, Love, Fame and Fortune to you in 2010.